I don’t feel anything anymore, other than my anxiety. Which seems to be almost constant. I can’t cry. And my sleep pattern changes by the week; stay up for 36 hours, don’t eat, anxiety attacks. Sleep for 16 hours a day, still don’t eat, past the point of disassociation. I can’t bring myself to go on walks anymore. It’s hard to be around people, and I don’t feel like I’m alive. ive always had the troubles of the intrusive thoughts of self harm, and/or suicide. But these last few months, they have become almost unbearable. I can’t speak to anyone directly about anything that’s going on with me - and I’m not sure if I have any legitimate reasons or if I just keep giving them to myself, to intentionally make myself worse. ive pushed everyone away. I don’t care about myself, or my life. Death used to scared the living shit out of me, but I find comfort in the thought of it, now. Maybe a little too much comfort. over the last few weeks I’ve written, and rewritten goodbye letters. I unintentionally picture how my suicide would go, and it’s different everytime. So many possibilities. ive even unknowingly coached myself into knowing how, and where Id shoot myself. Don’t give myself time to think. No hesitation. Once it’s in your hand, and In place, pull the trigger. Do. Not. Think. We’ve done this before. You can’t hesitate. i can’t stop. I can’t stop the thoughts. I can’t stop the anxiety. I can’t stop the comfort I find in all of this. I can’t stop the numbness I can’t seem to shake away. I can’t even fucking cry. I wholeheartedly feel like a burden to every single person in my life. My being. My emotions. My actions. My words. My breath. Everything. i don’t want to be alive anymore.