future relationship


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When I was a teenager, guys who hurt me, tried to come back into my life..

I felt superior when they did because they were the ones who left to begin with ..

They left me with great scars that affected my future relationship.. when I was 20-22 I was with someone who was and probably still the best man I've ever met..

I was the one who hurt him for many reasons that I hate myself for ..

He never left. He stayed with me..

Until he fed up and I don't blame him..

He had every right to just cut me off completely..

And sometimes I wish he'd come back.. and I know I won't feel superior as much as I'd feel lucky that he thought about me for once..

One thing I know is that I cant love or trust anyone now.. idk if I'll ever heal from all the pain I had to deal with..

I don't wanna love and I don't wanna hurt ..

I don't wanna have to deal with the pain of moving on, trying to forget someone and stop loving them again..

I closed my heart and now I'm just numb, empty and lonely..

I can't help but feel manipulated all the time..

I hate myself.. I hate how I'm constantly overthinking about things others don't..

I hate how everything is always one sided..

Im so tired sometimes I forget how to rest..

Sleeping 14 hours was never something I do..

Now I'm doing it.. and no one can see how bad my condition is..

He told me to trust him, but I couldn't but I tried.. it was revolting and pointless..

I'm so empty.. and everything is so heavy

It's like I'm dead inside but it feels to alive with these emotions..

I'm not sad or depressed I'm not happy either, idk what joy feels like anymore

I'm literally just numb..

I can't focus on one thought.. as you have noticed..

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