About 2 months ago, I confessed to a guy I had a crush on from my 13th to my 17th. Let's call him J. He was a year older and in the class above me. I admired his creative skills, as well as his kindness, his level of intelligence and his looks as well. My crushing on him fluctuated quite a bit. I had 3 relationships in the time I had a crush on him and due to that, I tried to ignore my thumping heart whenever I saw him around. He, for most of the time, had a relationship as well and I didn't want to barge into that. I tried to convince myself multiple times he was just a "squish" (platonic kind of crush, wishing to become friends with him).After he graduated, I saw him once at my part time job and I got nervous instantly. I worked up the guts to follow him on Instagram somewhere last year and he followed me back as well. Back then I was in a relationship with a very loving guy, but things weren't working out. I had my personal problems like mental illness and struggling with college, whereas he also demanded a lot of my attention, especially since he rarely hung out with others and had no real job nor followed any sort of education. By that time, I really felt the urge to let J know that I had been head over heels for him in the past, but it didn't feel right to talk about romantic feelings while still in a relationship with someone else.Just before Christmas 2020, 5 months ago now, I broke up with my then-boyfriend.I spoke to my 2 best friends, feeling guilty about this urge to confess when I had just broken up. On the 20th of January, I gathered all my courage and messaged him on instagram, telling me I had liked him nearly all throughout high school. To my surprise, he was very kind and understanding and easy to talk to as well (as far as I'm aware, this is the only real conversation I've ever had with him, as I became a teenage mess when I had the opportunity to talk with him back in school). As far as my feelings had ever died down, they started to rise once again, adding to the guilt I felt towards my previous boyfriends. Somewhere around the 20th of February, I did a very awkward confession again, to tell J I had caught feelings yet again. He responded politely at first, turning me down. Then somewhat of a misunderstanding followed, because of me being unclear, which went pretty rude from both my side as well as his. I eventually apologised for it, and he accepted and apologised as well. As far as me being turned down goes, I have not been able to move on at all. It's like my brain doesn't want to register it. J still lives in my 21 years old brain rent-free. It's becoming somewhat annoying to be this obsessed with him.To make matters worse, I semi-stalked him and direct family photo's and figured out where he lives/lived by recognising the front of their house on one of the pictures. I even went as far as to walk by his street three times during my weekly walks. I feel like a big ass stalker and a creep and I would very much like to move on. The worst part is, that he has never liked my photo's or seen my stories on Instagram ever since he started following me back, somewhere last October or November. Until three days ago. I posted a series of photo's and videos of my day out on the countryside, and he actually liked that. So all daydreaming and overthinking and obsessing which had been slowing down, has started all over again. I'm seriously fed up with mysef because of this. I have this huge urge to talk to him about how I feel and wanting to have closure and move the fuck on with my life, but I can't. I don't dare contact him over such a silly, not to mention creepy thing. I mean, he has turned me down, message loud and clear. I'm very much aware of that, but my autistic and ADHD ass somehow doesn't seem to care? It's so frustrating that I know what I think and feel is wrong, yet here I am, making use of an anonymous confession site in incognito mode to vent it all out.