Time Spent- 44m 27s
73 Visitors

On My Mind *SELF HARM TRIGGERS*

17/6/2020

I forgot that dance was on today. 5:45, not 6:15. I wish that mum would understand that I am still readjusting back into the previous schedule and that even the times were different. I mucked up Wednesday’s dates with Thursday. I wish she understood my mind is muddled and I’m actually all over the place, her words make b=me feel like a FUCK UP. When she pointed out the pen markings on my wrist she was right. I wish I could cut myself. This just proves I could never because self harm is the last way to ask for help when ur drowning, and all she did was attack. “Oh why u go and draw that huh? Like you wanna cut - like you wanna suicide? Menacingly, I know she won’t support me. I know I can’t actually cut my wrists because if I do, so many people will ask questions. I don’t like questions, and I don’t know or how to tell them. And I just can’t them either.


Is it wrong to actually fear your mother so much? She is kinda like the source of my pain. But I know she only means the best. I love my mother don't get me wrong, but she has spoken a lot of things into my life that trigger a downward spiral, and she has the old asian mentality...I've spoken to her about it, asked her to use different methods, but she only either listens for a week then goes back to her old ways, or she gets even more verbally...active...


I feel like I just can’t be myself around anybody, there is nobody close enough to talk to, or that is available, physically. They are busy with exams, halfway across the world or caught up in their own crowd. Sometimes I don’t know how much longer I can manage this burden.


The mask, when will it come off? When I can stop pretending to BE happy all the time. The Tik Tok audio describe it perfectly. I put a face on and I laugh at everything. I’m finding it so hard to have the motivation to get up out of bed, at least from the start of this month. I’m not sure if its corona or something else, maybe it’s the latter… 


-J

Replied Articles

While it may seem wrong for you too feel like you fear your mother, that isn't your fault. That is your mothers fault. She should not have said those things and what she said was terribly out of line. If she was worried about you harming yourself, she shouldn't have been so rude and asked if you were going to cut. She should have comforted you at the least. I will give you this piece of advice, if she changes, don't push her away. However, if she keeps on ruining those second chances, you have not reason to not feel bad. You can dislike your parents and if you fear them, that's not your doing. That's theirs. Keep your head up, and prove them wrong. When you're laughing with your friends and making jokes, you can think, and mentally say, 'Screw you mom' because you are worth so much more then you can realize. You see all your flaws up close so you will always be your harshest judge. Do not think that you don't need any judges, because everybody does, however, prove those who think you can't do it wrong by doing it.

-Signing off, B

Something i have learnt about family is that you don’t have to love them. Society is so fixed into pushing this image to people from a young age that we have to love our parents no matter what. I have been dealt bad cards for my parents but i have learnt that i don’t have to love them. There will always be love though; that is the toughest thing about it. No matter how bad they are there is still a part of my body that has love for them which is the most annoying thing. Don’t feel guilty in not liking her, you cannot and will not like everyone you meet and that includes the people who share your DNA. I would advise you to speak to someone or even your mum about how you feel about her being the source of your pain. She may try to understand or is she’s anything like mine she will be in denial and feel no guilt. This has taught me a lot on how to be as a person... The response you get from her could be a very educational lesson about her. I know it’s difficult to be honest with parents but sometimes it is freeing and the one thing i know about depression is that you feel as if you lack freedom. You are caged or in a deep dark whole that feels inescapable. I am so sorry you feel this way and i wish i knew who you were. I wish that you are okay. I pray that you are safe and have overcome this time.