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On My Mind *SELF HARM TRIGGERS*

17/6/2020

I forgot that dance was on today. 5:45, not 6:15. I wish that mum would understand that I am still readjusting back into the previous schedule and that even the times were different. I mucked up Wednesday’s dates with Thursday. I wish she understood my mind is muddled and I’m actually all over the place, her words make b=me feel like a FUCK UP. When she pointed out the pen markings on my wrist she was right. I wish I could cut myself. This just proves I could never because self harm is the last way to ask for help when ur drowning, and all she did was attack. “Oh why u go and draw that huh? Like you wanna cut - like you wanna suicide? Menacingly, I know she won’t support me. I know I can’t actually cut my wrists because if I do, so many people will ask questions. I don’t like questions, and I don’t know or how to tell them. And I just can’t them either.


Is it wrong to actually fear your mother so much? She is kinda like the source of my pain. But I know she only means the best. I love my mother don't get me wrong, but she has spoken a lot of things into my life that trigger a downward spiral, and she has the old asian mentality...I've spoken to her about it, asked her to use different methods, but she only either listens for a week then goes back to her old ways, or she gets even more verbally...active...


I feel like I just can’t be myself around anybody, there is nobody close enough to talk to, or that is available, physically. They are busy with exams, halfway across the world or caught up in their own crowd. Sometimes I don’t know how much longer I can manage this burden.


The mask, when will it come off? When I can stop pretending to BE happy all the time. The Tik Tok audio describe it perfectly. I put a face on and I laugh at everything. I’m finding it so hard to have the motivation to get up out of bed, at least from the start of this month. I’m not sure if its corona or something else, maybe it’s the latter… 


-J