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Once again.

Today, I've learnt that falling always hurt. 

It isn't like the movies, nobody's going to pick you up. Unless you are, then kudos to you, you're lucky.

But for some people like me, we're the unfortunate lot that would give our souls for love when they won't even give us half of the love we try to give them. Sometimes it's just cold and sometimes it's pale. I don't know, pale is all I can think of. 

I really thought I couldn't cry, that I was now numb and invalid of emotions but tonight was something else. I don't know what to feel, I don't know what to do.

Honestly, I really thought I was going somewhere with the positivity and hope I had in mind. I knew there was an incredibly high chance of being drowned again, but I went for it anyway. I went for it anyway because I was intruiged and this wasn't something like before. I was....hopeful. But today, I learnt that being dazed, obsessed, intruiged, they're all the same thing. They all lead up to the same tunnel if you don't get the equal energy. How I crave for equal energy. I wish I could get it. I wish I could get out of here. 

I told him vaguely, that I couldn't just be.

What I really meant was, I couldn't just be here smiling with him pretending everything's fine while he's quietly in pain. I want to be there for him, I want to let him see what I'm capable of and mostly, I want to let him see what a beautiful mess he is. He doesn't know how hard it is to be, because he doesn't know what hurts him hurts me as well. I asked him if he was unsure of himself or unsure of me, and he said he was unsure of himself. 

I don't get it. If he was sure of me, why wouldn't he be sure I can be there where people usually leave? If he was sure of me, why did he think I couldn't handle him? If he was sure of me, why'd he think I was like everyone else? 

It hurt a lot but it hurted more when he said he's sorry. 

"I'm sorry." 

That's what doctors say when they can't save lives. You know nothing good ever comes out of that.

It stung a lot because after that he shifted into this "happy go lucky" guy and yes, I like this guy but it hurt when that's not all I came for. It hurt when he thinks that he can make this work by making me open up and him just being the regular "good" person that he is. 

I don't want to be. I can't. It's going to hurt too much. That sounded selfish but trust me it isn't. I can't be like her or him. I can't be like everyone else in his life. 

Getting to the point he's never opening up and letting it be, and befriending his mask.

I can't. I just can not. 

So here's to another sleepless, lifeless night.

Here's to never falling in love again.

My heart hurt, like literally.

Because this time, it wasn't because I was ugly, it wasn't because we didn't vibe, it wasn't because we weren't compatible,

but it was because he couldn't open up and I couldn't have done any better.

That hurt.