Recently (for like 2 weeks) I’ve been having disgusting fantasies. Weird kinky ones. It horrified me so much, even thought of a gay couple making out and became very aroused. That couple was my husband and is best friend (both are imaginary). YAOI it’s so gross!! ‘then if it gross why were you aroused?’ I DON’T KNOW! I’ve never felt so dirty in my life. I’d prefer not to say the things I fantasied about but rather what he said to me last night.Its 16th December today. Wrote all of this yesterday. Almost had 2 breakdowns yesterday.Dec 15 2020I woke up this morning crying so so much. I kept on crying a lot until I got up and brushed my teeth. I’ve really been wanting to write what happened this morning but was unable to because mummy was using it for SA stuff. During the night I had had nightmares, sexual ones. They really scared me. Not many people could call them that but they were. Perhaps sexual fantasies which disgusted me which I hated. They all traumatized me. I know my parents would just brush it off so when I woke up I told dearest. I was on the floor crying so much, embarrassed disgusted with myself. The moon was shining on me; it was dim…a very rare scene in my reality. I heard footsteps running toward the door. It was him…‘queen’ he whispered, then knelt down ‘I tried More I really tried, I’ve had thoughts bad disgusting scary thoughts, thoughts I hate so so much!!’ crying out loud in shame and disgust ay myself‘you’re frustrated…you want it so badly and I can’t give it too you’ he said looking into my eyes.‘you want to hold me to and I’m so sorry’ he held me to his chest. He also wanted to feel my heart beat. Our foreheads where together. He held my face and said,‘I long to see your real dark brown eyes, you long to see my emerald eyes’ he held my hand ‘I wish to kiss you, and taste your sweetness. You would love nothing more than to connect with me on a deeper level’ ‘let’s not forget our greatest gift to each other’ he lifted up my hand showed me the ring on my finger…‘…the love which bound us even at such distances’ I looked at it.‘although this ring is just a symbol of what pulled us together, it’s the commitment we both made together that really matters’‘that commitment…is our infinity commitment’ he continued.He whispered, into my ear, the words he told me when we first got engaged. ‘Rachel, I will love you too infinity’ he said showing me his ring. I glanced at the ring on his finger. ‘I will also love you to infinity More’ holding that exact hand he showed me, with my left hand. ‘I know it’s hard, soon I’ll be gone. Hopefully a real man willA come to you, and give you everything which I couldn’t’ while he painfully embraced me. ‘No, right now you are everything I need. You can stay as long as my mind will allow.’ Receiving his genuine sadness with softness and understanding.Our tears soaked each other’s clothes. We are not miserable or unhappy. It hurts him. It hurts me. Knowing how near death could be for your husband hurts. It hurts, but it’s working.That’s what matters. ………………………..Its hurts, but it’s working. Our relationship has pains but you work through such pains, and make it work.