Love is a cold place when you are there alone. After two decades I’m alone. At first I thought it was just a fight and we’d be back together before I knew it. I was wrong. It was a fight but she had met someone else and was making an exit. I was alone. Dying a bit more each day. I tried to be there for her and our kids. To show her she should come back. I did this for 15 months now. And I’m in the same
place I was before. She was everything and now she’s everywhere. I was suicidal. I almost killed myself a couple times but I was clearly not meant to die. I was close to the line. Nothing could take her memory away. The booze doesn’t work. Drugs aren’t my thing. So I write. Tonight I decided to walk away and leave her to the life she chose without me. This was a difficult choice because of the guilt I have about not being there for her anymore. She has a new bf and it’s time for me to let go. We do a song and dance back and forth and I ask her if she wants me in her life or not. She texts of course. Life is short and pain lasts a long time. Today I walked away from everything I ever knew in life and it doesn’t feel right. I know she needs me but I can’t keep living this way. Each time I step over the line I get closer to successful suicide. This is not who I am. Why is she able to control me and my emotions. I’ve never been weak. When I close my eyes I see her. Which is why I barely sleep. I don’t know if I’m just fucked up or the world is trying to tell me to never give up. But if I don’t give up I won’t make it another month. So either way I die from the loss of my family. These are my thoughts. My dreams. And everyday I chase them away. I focus on becoming a better man. A better me. Someone worth loving.