My disease is so painful. It’s like I’m being stabbed by 10-12 knives constantly. They say it’s worse than natural pregnancy pains. I feel it 24/7. I started feeling this way at 22 & they didn’t know what it was. At 23 the disease that cause it almost kill me for first time. Doctor told me to say goodby. I want take serious. I said goodbye to new wife. Doc said tell everyone goodby; your not waking up. Had no one else to tell that mattered as much as wife. He told me I would not be waking up. I did. Told me I’d struggle to walk & not be able to work. I worked 70 hrs a wk for many yrs in life & kept going college. Anytime I want I can take high level morphine but it will kill in a yr. Pain is excruciating. They told me I’d die by certain ages several times but stopped telling me. I nearly die over & over. I’ve had doctors tell me they don’t know how I’m alive. Perhaps I imagined it. But twice I seemed to travel to Heaven. Amazing. Each time I decide to come back to help others who are not as strong as me. I’ve almost died twice recently. One of those an angel seemed to save me. Can’t explain it. I had no help. I crawled & followed it. Led me to help. I always felt I’d keep living. That time it’s like that was it. If died would stay death. I just follow angel. But something is deferent. My heart hurts bad since last one. It almost feels like something is leaking in my heart. I have no money for hospital. In so much debt. So who knows. It just feels like this is it. I love my ex wife but she’s so selfish since her mom moved near us. That caused our divorce. I had money for a trailer near her. Spent that money to first help save a sons life. Recently to save her. Yet I’m going down to see my kids. Then work on her house. She calls to say driving somewhere so can’t come. She does stuff like this to me all time. Sometimes I think about taking that high level of morphine. It will be one yr without pain. Ever watch movies where a woman is having birth. I’m in worse pain. They give her a pain shot. I’ve had those. Did not lessen my pain at all. I’d like to be alive & not feel that pain. It’s so hard to keep enduring. I did it for my wife but I don’t seem to matter to her anymore. I did it for my kids. But they are teens & barely seem to care anymore. One got so mad at her mom for divorce me she move to grandparents. Autistic son was told by ex I wanted to leave. He feels I abandoned him. So he won’t talk to me. He got so upset he had seizures & id trying to learn to walk again. As long as I see my youngest he’s calm but unhappy. Yet every time she allows me to see them she arranged something for him. So I don’t even get to see him much. She called recently. Something stupid she did led to house flooding. I drove down & work in rain all night. All next morning. And most of next 24 hrs after that. I usually can only work 2-3 hrs a week. I have to spend days in bed after just to be able to set in chair & barely walk again. But I kept pushing. I had to save their house. I stood in pouring rain. I got so cold I was shivering. Very dangerous due to my disease. I got pneumonia I think. I’ve had before. Have damaged lungs. I saved her house but it started 4 wks that made me so sick. I was told to check into hospital over phone. EMT step dad & nurse sister beg me to goto hospital. I can’t accumulate anymore debt. So much of my small income already goes to medical payments & max credit cards that paid for other medical bills. I eat crackers & water 2 meals a day. My other meal is a small bowl of rice with a few Vega tables & a spoonful of peanut butter. I wish I had $ for something else. But I spend what little else I have to help them keep their house & help pay for ones kids school because he almost got put in D home for fighting after my wife my wife kick me out. He technically wasn’t wrong. But they bus in gang bangers to his school. Those kids can’t be expelled but the ones who fight them can. In this incident a lot of kids got in various levels of trouble. I worked out a deal to get him into safer school. He’s such a good kid they agreed. Had he not been depressed about his mom not letting him see me he would have stayed out of it. But the school cost $. My shoes. When I walk the side of my wide feet come out. My toes touch the ground. I fear the coming winter. I barely survived the last one. I rent a tiny room in house. I can’t go out. Agreed to stay in the room with door closed. There is no air to the room. They don’t even run their air much. In summer my room get so hot. But I set with tiny fan blow on me. But in winter they don’t want me use a small heater due to fire hazard. Don’t want use big one due to more electricity. So I try to bundle up in my blankets & make a little tent over my head. Last winter I kept getting so sick. But I can’t goto doc. I’m so much weaker now after nearly dying twice. But now I’m dreading the next winter. I’m afraid it will kill me. Then there’s Covid. So many here don’t follow rules. I feel they will bring it in here & I’ll catch it & die. I’m trying to fix ex wife’s house before winter. I don’t want to try work out in cold. I don’t think will survive if do. Don’t think will survive winter anyways. But she keeps making it so hard on me. I’ll make that long drive in my old car & she will say sorry. You have to leave. Her mom wants to come over & eat. Or she’s going to her sisters. We plan this. I’m supposed to see my kids & then work on her house. I go & buy them food my kids like. I buy stuff to fix her house. I spend money on stuff to fix her house instead of on me some decent food. I don’t tell her that of course. She’s sick too. Much worse after she kick me out. She needed to heal but got so depressed without me she may die now. I spent the last of my savings to try to save her. But I show up after a long drive. After risking my life to walk into stores & buy things my kids like to eat. I’ve got a trunk full of heavy crap I bought to fix her house. She says sorry; my mom just called & wants to come over. You can’t be here or she gets mad. Or sorry my sister just called. She’s upset & wants me to come talk to her. Are you fucking Kidding me. She says it’s ok; we will get it done later. Dont get upset. We’re good. We’re going to work this out. We will be a family again. I just need to heal my body. Heal your body? I just paid to try to save your life. Your skinny as a rail. But your driving to another state to visit your POS selfish assed sister who threatens to leave her husband every other week if you don’t rush out. The sister whom we endlessly gave $ for many yrs; who now makes twice as much as you, but never helps you financially. And your going to drive over with food to your moms & Clean her house. So sure; I’ll turn around drive over an hour with my rickety car over loaded. Shove all this food in the tiny I heated storage room I sleep in. Get yelled at by the home owner as I unload all this food for putting all that stuff in her house. But would you at least put this cold food in your house before I drive off so I don’t have to throw it away again. Going to work it out. Be a family again. Have patience. Maybe another year then we may get remarried. Just let her heal. My being gone is why she can’t heal. She’s too depressed. She let her mom who uses her & her divorced friends convince her I was the problem. She’s admitted such. But says if I come back she owes her mom for the divorce lawyer she hired. Going to work it out? It feels like my heart is leaking or something. I’m in more pain than normal. That’s saying a lot. I know she thinks I’m a super hero. But I don’t think I’ve got another year in me. Oh I’ll never quit. I’m tough as nails. But you can only use sheer will to push a broken body so far. We smile at each other. In her mind she can’t see that if my car breaks down I gave her all my $. I can’t fix it to come back. She can’t understand I’m so weak now. I don’t think I can survive the winter. The last one wore me down so bad. But she says have faith. Faith is all I have left. She doesn’t get it. I think God spared me one last time to be with her. But she’s throwing that one last chance away. After many years of struggling. 3 yrs on the edge of death waiting for a transplant. They couldn’t believe how well I was doing. 20 more yrs. I started romancing her. Fixing the house. I dreamed of going back to work (just a dream. Can never be that well again). I said God gave us another lease on life. Then suddenly I’m out on my ass. No insurance. Living in a dump. Get a bacterial infection from the dump. Gets in blood. Fucks me up. Almost die. Think I see an angel that saves me. No more 20 yrs. maybe 1-3 now. She’s wasted one of those. Yet still telling me maybe a yr. it’s like since she’s gotten sick she can’t accept reality. I’m paying to try to save her life. I’m driving down to fix her house. She says my sister just called. She’s thinking about leaving her husband. I have to go out & see her. Fuck your selfish assed sister. Don’t I matter. Right before surgery one time they said was basically zero chance of survival. Tell me to stay calm. Her sister shows up asking for money. My family’s worse of course. We’d told all of them not to visit. Any stress before the surgery & id probably die. My mom shows up demanding money & screaming at me. Thankfully a nurse came in & she left. Who was that. My mom. Was she yelling at you. Yes. Why. She wanted money. Sometimes I feel like a fool. But I’m stubborn. I don’t quit. Oh I get depressed & feel overwhelmed. But I reach deep inside. And I fight. But I dread the winter. As a little boy I hated the winter. Standing out in the cold nude for a minor mistake. When I was locked in a dark room all alone. Being homeless as a teen in the cold woods. I hate the cold.