The LikeabilityHumanize your presence. Perfection is for the dead and for the work.Cheat Sheet Chapter 1: How to influence people’s moods. Since moods do not exist in a vacuum, they can be influenced by bringing up people, places, and things that were present at the time of those moods at prior occasions. If you deduce that someone is in a poor mood and you want to cheer them up, talk about aspects that were present at their last joyous mood. Chapter 2: How to read people like a book. People feel a physical reaction first, then assign an emotion based on what caused the arousal. If you can pinpoint what happened in someone’s day and how strongly they felt about it, you can determine their mood easily even if they don’t make it clear. Chapter 3: How to make friends out of enemies. The Benjamin Franklin effect is a lesson in cognitive dissonance. If you ask someone to do a small favor for you, it makes them like you more because of how they must rationalize it to themselves internally. Chapter 4: How to never be taken advantage of. Relationships and friendships are happiest when there is parity. If you insist on parity and eliminate feelings of resentment or guilt for other people, they will regard you as trustworthy, a good friend, and likable. Keep an internal tally of where the pendulum swings in your important relationships. Chapter 5: How to instantly become a close friend. We become the people that others perceive us to be. This means that if you act a certain way, people will treat you that way, especially if you act in a way that is vaguely familiar to them that allows them to transfer feelings onto you. Therefore, act like a close friend, become a close friend. Chapter 6: How to negotiate anything and be persuasive. Two techniques that are seemingly contradictory of each other are extremely effective to negotiating whatever you want. The door in the face technique involves leading with an offer that is extremely high and unreasonable, the purpose of which is to be rejected and have your subsequent offers appear reasonable. The foot in the door technique involves leading with someone that is easy to say yes to, and to gain continual compliance as you work towards your original objective. Chapter 7: How to instantly bond with someone. People like those that are similar to them. Capitalize on this by instantly investigating what similarities you have with someone and emphasizing them. The smaller, more subtle, and more obscure similarities the better, because that immediately puts you into a club of two people.Chapter 8: How to make people trust you. Trust, as it turns out, is a linear quantity. The more you see someone, the more you trust them up to a certain extent. This means that showing up is half the battle, and if you want to gain someone’s trust, you should make yourself seen whenever possible. Chapter 9: How to get into someone’s inner circle. Relationships move forward in three distinct phases – stimulus, values, and then role stages. The key to moving into someone’s inner circle is to first realize which stage of friendship you are in, and then fulfill the implicit requirements that people are looking for in each stage.Stimulus - Physical appearance. Belong aligning with their need to belongValues - Beliefs and Values, Education, Career, Family, Status, Personal developmentRole - Common activities. Travel together Chapter 10: How to be endearing to anyone. The Pratfall effect documents our love of vulnerability. If you are somewhat unpolished and clumsy in presentation, as opposed to picture perfect, people will feel at ease and comfortable with you. Chapter 11: How to make people do what you want. Reactance is a fancy term for reverse psychology. When we’re pushed to do something, it makes us want to do the opposite, and you can use this inclination to your advantage.Therefore, to get people to do what you want, insinuate any one of the following: that they can’t do it, are forbidden from doing it, are incapable of doing it, aren’t allowed to do it, cannot handle doing it, or simply don’t want to do it. Reverse psychology works because of people's rebellious impulses. There’s a certain “F*ck you, I’ll do what I want!” aspect. This is reactance at its finest.Reactance and influence. The best way to use reverse psychology is to champion the opposite of your actual opinion. In other words, you play devil's advocate and gently guide the conversation to your desired reaction. When you argue the other side, it's not uncommon for people to push back and find the true value in the side that you’re advocating against. This is a great psychological trick in getting people to look at your position without browbeating them. You don't come off as a bully. Instead, you appear thorough, and you are able to subtly and gently guide people to your side. For example, you want to convince someone that dogs and superior to cats. You would gently explore relatively small benefits of cats, and then compare those to relatively large benefits of dogs. The framing is important is here, and it is very likely that the other person will point out the flaws of your logic (that the large benefits of the dogs are of course far superior to the small benefits of the cats). They will prove you wrong, and come to the conclusion themselves that dogs are superior.This works on two levels – first, you are telling them that cats are superior, which automatically makes them want to disagree. Second, you are allowing them to come to the conclusion themselves, which makes them believe in it far more than if you were to outright tell them. People value their freedom of choice and independence, and reactance is a strong reflection of that. Fortunately, the awareness we now possess of reactance can help us influence people in any direction we want. Chapter 12: How to be a leader that anyone will follow. There are six different types of leaders that the vast majority of people respond to. Pinpoint which type will work best with people that you are trying to convince of something, and watch your compliance rates skyrocket. Chapter 13: How to avoid judgment and assumptions. Judgments and assumptions are created when you have little to no knowledge about someone – so you fill in the gaps with what you assume might be true given the circumstances. Therefore, the more knowledge the better to avoid judgment, assumptions, and stereotyping – and the knowledge doesn’t even have to be related or relevant. The more information in general, the more three-dimensional one becomes. Chapter 14: How to make people want you around. People feed off feeling good, so it’s no surprise that people will want you around if you can make them feel that. You can do this directly, by being positive and complimentary, or you can do this indirectly by associating yourself with things and people that make them feel good. Chapter 15: How to be credible and trustworthy. Credibility is made or broken based on small, subtle signs that denote authority, confidence, and objective right. Chapter 16: How to win a majority vote. Group dynamics inevitably cause a leader to take charge, even if they are passive about it and not fully aware. As such, the rest are followers, implicitly looking for someone to follow. If you can focus your efforts on the leader, you can more easily win a majority vote within a group.Witty BanterChapter 1. HPM, SBR, meet EDR HPM, SBR, and EDR are all frameworks for knowing how to respond to people. They introduce conversational diversity, and allow you to regulate how much you speak versus ask questions. EDR stands for Emotion, Detail, Restate, which are three distinct manners of engaging with people. Chapter 2. Never Speak in Absolutes Speaking in absolutes, especially with questions, makes conversation very difficult for other people. An absolute question is very difficult to answer, and leaves the other person feeling vulnerable to judgment. You can improve upon absolute questions by giving options or asking a specific question based on an assumption. Chapter 3. Think Before You React Reacting is important. You shouldn’t be a passive listener if you’re not speaking. When you react, make sure you do it slower, bigger, and find the primary emotion that is being expressed. Chapter 4. Practice Free Association Conversation structure is very simple – you speak on the same topic, or you bounce to a similar or related topic. Getting good at free association mimics structure and trains your brain to think outside of the box. Chapter 5. Break the Fourth Wall Breaking the fourth wall is when you make an observatory statement about the conversation or interaction itself. You are stepping outside of your role as a conversant, and into the role of an observer. Chapter 6. The "Us Against the World" Technique This technique is premised on the fact that everyone likes to be a part of an inside joke or ingroup. This technique teaches you to make a comment or question that immediately creates that feeling based on a similarity that only two people apparently share. Chapter 7. Create a Conversation Resume A conversation resume functions just like a job resume. It lists your great confidence and conversation moments, and lets you disrupt your narrative of the type of person you are. Review and update regularly for best effects. Chapter 8. Set Boundaries on the Conversation Boundaries are when you state at the outset of a conversation that it must be kept short. You have a reason to keep the conversation short, which lowers people’s guards, allowing engagement and attention. Chapter 9. Derail Your Train of Thought Give other people the floor more often than not. Stop speaking and go with the direction that someone else wants to go in, and do this proactively. Chapter 10. Use Fallback Stories A fallback story has four components and is self-contained, which means that you can drop it into conversation whenever you want. Relateability is key, because the fallback story is about the discussion that occurs afterwards. Chapter 11. The “Thought Experiment” Technique The thought experiment technique allows you to get past people’s guards and makes it okay for people to feel like they can engage and say yes on interesting and sometimes taboo topics. Chapter 12. Make the Other Person an Expert There is a way of reacting where you put people into a role – if you can encourage a feeling of knowledge and sharing, then you create the role of yourself as a student and the other person as the teacher. Chapter 13. Master Saying "What were you saying?" You should be using this phrase more often than you currently are, because it signals a lot of self-awareness as to the equity of speaking in the conversation. When you interrupt, speak too much, or want engagement, use this and similar phrases. Chapter 14. More Effective Compliments Compliments are universally positive, but some are more impactful than others. More effective and impactful compliments are about people’s choices that involved active decisions. When you do this, you are validating their choices and thoughts. Chapter 15. Use Double Explanations Double explanations are statements you can prepare before a conversation to go in prepared. The first explanation is a short, pithy answer to a question. Oftentimes, this is all that people are looking for. The second explanation is the more in-depth look at the answer. Chapter 16. Witty, Good-Natured Teasing There are good and bad topics to make fun of, and better and worse ways to tease people. Delivery is key, and you have to make sure that people can take it in stride. Chapter 17. The Witty Comeback Machine A witty comeback is based on two steps. You take the insult, you agree, and then you amplify it to an outlandish and absurd degree. It makes you appear confidence, like the insult doesn’t bother you, and is usually humorous. Chapter 18. Go Beyond the Literal Don’t take statements and questions at face value. Don’t take them literally, and seek to purposefully misinterpret them in ways where you initiate a joke or humorous scenario.Cheat Sheet - AssertivenessChapter 1. The Balance of Assertiveness Assertiveness requires a delicate balance, especially if you are new to it. You may have started as too passive, but take care to not swing into the aggressive territory where you are robbing other people of their needs. You can’t control what others do or how they might respond to you, but you can control your own behavior.Tony Robbins succinctly articulated the six needs of human happiness you are likely keeping yourself from as a result of lacking assertiveness. They are certainty, variety, significance, love and connection, growth, and contribution. This is what’s at stake every time you come to a fork in the road and consider shrinking away from the moment. It’s not trivial, and can lead to a life you want, or a life you don’t.The power to live as you want is within your hands, not to be dictated by the acceptance or tolerance of the people around you. Yes, sometimes that might require that you step on the toes of other people, but you are not living for other people. Being less nice (and even aggressive, as studies have shown) is paramount to happiness and getting what you want.Write the personal bill of rights down and post it on a wall in your room. These are rights, not privileges or luxuries. It’s easy to forget until someone snaps you out of it. Right from the outset, you might feel that you’re becoming someone that’s mean and “not nice.” But that’s because your definition of “nice” has become skewed over the years. Chapter 2. Damaging Beliefs and Damaging People Too often, we feel like we must “let things go” for one reason or another. Are these reasons real or imagined? Important or irrelevant? Sometimes they appear important because of emotional blackmail, which is when there is an implicit threat that causes people to not assert themselves. There are four specific types of emotional blackmail threats: punisher, self-punisher, sufferer, and tantalizer.There are four specific toxic beliefs that undermine your ability to be assertive. They are: (1) the belief that you live only to please and serve others, (2) the belief that you’re unworthy of love as you are, (3) the belief that asserting yourself means you’re a bad person, and (4) the belief that it’s always better to just go along with others.To defeat and change these beliefs, an abbreviated version of cognitive behavioral therapy is effective—changing your thoughts by pointing out inaccuracies and correcting them. This is known as the BLUE process: “B” stands for blaming myself, “L” is looking for bad news, “U” means unhappy guessing, and “E” represents exaggeratedly negative thoughts. Once you identify which of those you are engaging in, you then replace the BLUE thought with a true thought—one representative of reality.Even if there don’t appear to be forms of emotional blackmail (if you don’t do X, you will cause Y), the elements of FOG—fear, obligation, and guilt—will make you avoid speaking up. Sometimes it’s not all in your head, and the people around you are enabling your worst tendencies. Chapter 3. How to Ask for What You Want and Get It How do you ask for what you want? Well, you already know how. But we don’t for various reasons, the first of which is that they should have known. They should have been able to read our minds and understand and anticipate our needs. Yes, in fairy tales, but not in reality.We also wait for people to take action because of the symbolic value we assign to things. We believe other people’s symbolic value matches ours, which should inform their actions. But this is again projecting onto other people and depending on them to read our minds. We also can’t subtly try to condition people into feeling the same symbolic value as us.Passive-aggressive behavior is concealed hostility masquerading as niceness, often with the goal of inducing some type of behavior. This happens when people are too angry to ask for what they want, typically.There are better and worse ways of making requests and asking for what you want. In fact, there are seven elements that will help you the most. Don’t fill the silence after your ask, consider the other person’s needs, make it easy and convenient, offer clear options, be direct and honest, be specific, and don’t you dare pout if you get turned down.Four final tactics include articulating the consequences of people’s actions on you: empathetic, consequence, negative feeling, and discrepancy assertion. Chapter 4. How to Say NO Without Tension Saying no is one of the toughest situations in everyday life because it is a mini confrontation every single time. But there are many ways to make this part of life smoother and less tense.Start saying “I don’t” versus “I can’t” because the former implies a policy, whereas the latter implies something to be negotiated. Likewise, get into the habit of saying no to specific and broad categories because that also implies a policy that you don’t make exceptions for.There are countless ways to say no. You already know a few, including the simplest way: “No” as a complete sentence. Understand that people will react strongly to you if you have a history of people-pleasing and being a doormat.Other methods of saying no include planting preemptive seeds, emphasizing how you are tied to other people and can’t act independently, reflecting and acknowledging, referencing the fact that you can’t do everything at once, resisting the moment where you want to insert an addendum or caveat, creating hoops for people to jump through and themselves say yes to, baiting and switching with related or unrelated tasks, keeping it nonpersonal and focused on the specific circumstance, and passing the buck to someone who appears to be able to solve the problem at hand much better than you. Chapter 5. Asserting Boundaries We tend to think being agreeable and accommodating are positive traits. They are, but only to a certain extent. Studies have shown that too much of either conveys a negative impression to others—precisely what you want to prevent by not asserting yourself. Thus, it seems to make more sense to assert yourself on a consistent basis and stop the need for people-pleasing.Strong and clear boundaries will be one of your best defenses against people-pleasing and the people who would have you do so. However, they can’t exist solely in your head, and they can’t be so flexible that people see no reason to abide by them. Thus, you must define them based on your values, and then communicate them clearly and enforce them without exception.The other major aspect is setting consequences and then enforcing them. This is what happens when someone attempts to violate your boundaries after you’ve communicated them. This is can be whatever you want; the only thing it cannot be is nothing. Failure to do so will create porous boundaries, which are as good as no boundaries at all. However, they also cannot be too rigid.Boundaries become important very quickly to enforce, both to assert your rights and to defend against those who would seek to take advantage of you. Toxic takers are the epitome of those who would seek to take advantage of you, and they come in many forms of selfishness and non-reciprocation. Chapter 6. Understanding Your Patterns There are generally four styles of communication: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. You can guess which one is the best to shoot for.Assertive communication is standing up for yourself, being clear and direct when sharing your thoughts and feelings, and protecting your rights without taking away the rights of other people. Assertive communication is a product of high self-esteem and doesn’t come naturally to people who haven’t been taught to respect themselves and others and to value themselves on a physical, spiritual, and emotional level. When you seek to control only yourself, you are assertive; when you seek to control others, you become aggressive.Apologizing is the opposite of assertiveness—at least when you do it out of instinct like many of us are prone to do. Over-apologizing, however, does give a peek into how you view yourself and the patterns you’ve been exposed to. We are all products of our past experiences, and many have told us that apologies and not making waves is the best way to get through life unscathed.Another reason for the instinct to apologize is to avoid conflict. Conflict is tense and uncomfortable, but it is the essence of assertiveness. Becoming comfortable with it by changing your vocabulary to apologize less is an important step.How do you apologize when you actually should? Include one of the six elements articulated by Beth Polin and make sure to actually take responsibility and not deflect or blame others.Cheat Sheet - ChatterChatter Principle 1: Bulletproof Your Nonverbal First Impression.Start with an impressive handshake, dress and groom to avoid snap judgments, and curate your body language. Chatter Principle 2: Bulletproof Your Verbal First Impression.Develop your elevator pitch to the first couple of topics that sprout up in any conversation. Chatter Principle 3: WWJD? What Would Jay Do?Channel Jay Leno’s singular interest and focus on his guests. Chatter Principle 4: Your Life is a Series of (Mini) Stories.Anticipate frequently-asked questions and have mini stories ready in place of one word answers. Chatter Principle 5: Thorough, Exhaustive, and Specific Details.Divulge specific and sometimes personal details early and often. Chatter Principle 6: Icebreak with Superficial Commonalities…Use icebreakers about superficial commonalities based on gender and mutual shared realities. Chatter Principle 7: But Core Commonalities Foster True Relationships.Dig deep to discover core commonalities. Chatter Principle 8: Know and Play in Your Wheelhouse.Utilize the Russian doll and atom models to expand your areas of expertise and comfort. Chatter Principle 9: Reactions are Worth 1,000 Words.Deduce the emotional reaction that is being sought and deliver it verbally and non-verbally. Chatter Principle 10: Cold Reads Accelerate Any Conversation.State a bold assumption that logically flows from something that was said. Chatter Principle 11: Listening Effectively is like Giving Out Truth Serum.Paraphrase, re-state words, ask digging questions, and pause for 2 seconds before answering. Chatter Principle 12: Skew Slightly Inappropriate.Make an inappropriate but contextual statement to open people up. Chatter Principle 13: Callback During Conversation Lulls.Refer to previous statements or jokes during conversation lulls. Chatter Principle 14: You Are a Current Events Sponge.Keep up to date on politics/sports/media current events by using your opinionated friends. Chatter Principle 15: Charisma is a Choice.Charisma = your presence, genuine interest, and creating pleasure. Chatter Principle 16: Save Buzzkill Topics for the Internet.Appeal to the buzzkiller’s vanities, then change topics. Chatter Principle 17: Outrageous Introductions Eliminate Awkwardness.Introduce people with a funny story about either person or yourself.Chatter Principle 18: Don’t be a Conversation Hunter or Deer.Make sure you’re not cornering people in conversation, and tactfully exit conversations when you want. Chatter Principle 19: Practice Emotional Intelligence.Learn the difference between the internal and external emotional expression for yourself and others. Chatter Principle 20: Conversational Chemistry is Queen, Topic is King.Focus on creating conversational chemistry as opposed to finding a golden topic.Cheat Sheet - Conversationally speaking.1. MASTER CONVERSATION; RELATIONSHIPS. Becoming great at conversation will make people trust you, open up to you, and ultimately feel safe to you – three integral elements of strong friendships and relationships. 2. EVERYONE LIKES A VERBAL MIRROR. Reflect statements back towards people and make them the focus of the conversation to open them up and reach conversation depth. 3. ICEBREAKING, MELTING GLACIERS, AND STARTING A CONVERSATION. To effectively break the ice with anyone, use icebreakers that are related to something you share at the moment, and then lead the conversation back to them and focus on them. 4. COMMON QUESTIONS AND UNCOMMON, BETTER ANSWERS. Predict the common questions you will be asked on a day to day basis and prepare beforehand for interesting answers and mini-stories to jumpstart interactions.5. EFFECTIVE LISTENING IN THREE STEPS. Truly focus on the speaker, follow up with specific and pointed questions, and resist the urge to steal their thunder. 6. BUILDING A BULLETPROOF FIRST IMPRESSION. A truly effective first impression is holistic and includes your voice, body language, and how you carry the conversation’s first sixty seconds. 7. TELL STORIES LIKE HOMER AND AESOP COMBINED. A story is ultimately an emotional experience, so beyond fulfilling the mechanical storytelling components, make sure that the listener is invested and that the emotional payload delivers. 8. MAKING SAFE TOPICS INTO FAILSAFE CONVERSATIONS. Most of the time it doesn’t matter where you start a conversation from, as long as you can guide it into a personal and more intimate space. 9. AVOID AWKWARD AND UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCES. Conversation silences are typically caused by the lack of a leader in the conversation, so take that role and take responsibility to pre-empt each silence with deep or callback questions. 10. BODILY SPEAKING. Human comunication has very little to do with what we actually say, and far more to do with how we deliver that message through our body and other non-verbal signals. 11. SOCIAL CUES SAY MORE THAN YOUR WORDS. Social cues are how people say what they really want to say, without having to say it. Often, the difference between recognizing certain cues is the difference between being extremely likeable and that person that everyone wants to avoid. 12. EXITING CONVERSATIONS WITH GRACE. Conversations typically serve three purposes to people, and as long as you give people the chance to feel somewhat fulfilled in one of the purposes, you should feel free to walk away. 13. CONVERSATION KILLERS. Conversations are typically cut short when they aren’t given the chance to develop, or you don’t let them. 14. IT’S AN INTROVERT’S PARTY TOO. Introverts are all about conserving and using their social batteries wisely, so passive participation and specific assumptions can help them rally for when they are spent. 15. CONFRONTING WITHOUT CONFRONTATION. Confrontation has torn many a relationship and friendship apart, so it is important to figure out ways to deliver negative messages without inflicting insult or injury. 16. LISTEN TO OPEN THEM UP. Listening effectively can instantly transport you into close friend territory, and the main barrier to this is the fear of judgment and a lack of safe space to be vulnerable. 17. DIGITALLY SPEAKING. The main issue with most digital forms of communication is the lack of clarity, so exaggeration and explicit clarification will help you avoid misunderstandings. 19. HUMOR 101. Laughter is the best social lubricant that doesn’t involve illicit substances, so focusing on a few patterns that humor typically follows will make you more likable and engaging instantly.