I'm beginning to get into the normal teenage phase when I completely doubt myself. I'm constantly twisting others words to things that make me cry and whenever I try to look at myself I manage to see one more imperfection that wasn't there before.
When I was younger I was a lot louder, happier, and I spoke my mind. However, when people started to tell me that I was annoying and got in the way, I started to change. I believe that this is where it all truly began. I became quieter, I lost almost all my friends and I stayed to myself. However, I also began to loose emotions. I used to share how I was feeling a lot, crying was something I never cared about, but now I'm terrified to cry in front of others. Scared of being labelled as a 'crybaby'.
People no longer ever really know how I feel. I'm just too scared to show them. I've been through a lot lately, when this all started was also around the time where my mother was put into a coma. Then a couple years later my older cousin began to touch me inappropriately, after a while of fretting whether or not to say anything it all spilled out. The police didn't do much though.
This all my of happened, but right now is the worst of all. Yes, I have no school to go to, therefore all those fears should've calmed down. However, now I see myself all day, everyday. That adds one more thing I hate about myself to my list every 30 minuets or so. I also stopped eating, I noticed that I was getting fatter from the lack of exercise and have given up on eating in general to make up for it. My parents haven't helped either.
"You're getting fatter everyday." I just can't deal with it. I was thinking through my problems and realized that despite all this, I haven't self harmed once.
The reason isn't because they don't effect me all that much. It's because I'm terrified. I'm terrified of getting hurt, I'm also terrified of hurting someone else if I do. They always say that there is always one person who will miss you, and I'm scared of hurting them. Personally, I don't believe there is anyone that truly cares for me, but what if there is. Will I be the cause of their sadness if I leave? I don't want to put anyone else through this. But I also don't want to continue going through this.
I'm scared that I'm slowly going insane, that one day if I loose one more friend, then I might finally snap and disappear from the world. But, I'm so scared dying. I just don't know what to do anymore; I don't want to live, but I don't want to die either.