personal/family issues

Time Spent- 1h 2m
14 Visitors

all throughout my life i’ve had a lot of issues trusting people bc no matter what friends i made or who i talked to, anything i confided into those people was spread around until it got to someone in my family or someone who i was then reprimanded by or got me in trouble for it. (ex: self harm, suicidal thoughts, feelings, venting about other people) it’s caused me to stop making friends for the past few years and have a hatred towards people. the only person i’ve been able to confidently go to and rely on for the past about year and a half is my bf. i don’t open up to my father bc hes a complicated man who doesn’t understand depression, self harm, or anything relating to mental health. he’s a very short tempered person who yells and gets mad easily and i’ve been looking to move out of his house for years but i’ve never had the means to bc i’m not an independent person even tho i’m over 18. my mother recently came back in my life a few months ago and i’ve been opening up to her like i do w my bf since she it’s what she wants me to do so she can better understand my feelings, triggers, and how to help me in situations. we’ve always been the same with our anxiety and all that stuff so i open up to her bc i know she gets where i’m coming from. we hang out on weekends and two days ago a big situation happened where i opened up to the wrong people that we were all hanging out with since we were all talking/ranting about the same thing and by the end of the night after i got home it had already gotten back to my mom from them. she had yelled at me and called me hypocritical about some things i said and i feel like i ruined a part of our new relationship together already. as i sat back and thought about it i felt like an idiot for talking to people once again, but she was also kind of pushing me to open up to them and to try and be social and i told her “since you wanted me to open up i did and now look where it got me”. we haven’t talked since then and i’m not looking forward to what may happen this weekend if she even wants to hang out w me again after it. i’ve tried explaining to her how easily i get jealous and how since we only hang out on the weekend i dont want to share our time with other people and i feel like when i open up to her she hears me, but doesn’t fully grasp my feelings. ever since then i’ve been wanting to just close back up and talk to no one but my bf and to just never tell her things in depth ever again to save myself the drama since i can never open up to anyone without having it blow up in my face. it’s only one situation that’s happened w her but with the constant let down i’ve had with people it makes me often think that maybe i’m just not meant to be here if i always somehow make people think badly of me for how i feel or the things i vent about.