I can't stop having perverted thoughts about men. I keep getting reminded of certain smells , hygiene and smells about my body. I see a cute guy I remember how I am unclean how my hands and fingers have been everywhere. It's just an organic feeling of foul smells and hygiene and my fingers being in dirty ugly places around my body while I am trying to clean myself. My fingers smell when I have peed and my body smells and I have to carry my body around with all it's sins and ugliness and it's too much to bear for me. I can stands to have these thoughts and the repressed energy of my unhygienic self. The visuals of this man watching me when m peeing in my head or when m in my private moments. Every act of my body and my actions are painful and unclean to me. I am a joke to myself often so I don't want to look at a man with my uncleanness. It's too much to bear all the fat and smells and odor and food and flesh and sins and ugly nastiness watching and shaming me and just a huge mistake of energy and bad flesh dangling about. I can't stand my ugly self so good forgive me. Christ forgive me and save me from self mortificaltion constantly.