It’s the second day February. I think I also threw away a good friendship too. I feel like I have been lying to myself in my head. I’m not smart, brilliant or anything special. As much as it sounds cringey I feel like a waste of space. I feel like a weirdo in this world where I don't fit in anywhere. I don’t understand why I feel like this. My life is fine, I haven't caught corona or any of my family members. I am stuck behind like 20 something assignments. I’m trying to really pull through but honestly I feel soooo fake and TIRED. I don’t know the real me. I can’t keep friendships for long but at the same time I feel like I can’t let down my guard to anyone. I personally don’t want to grow up. I know it’s a lot of whining but what is the meaning of all these assignments, schools, studying, not knowing what I want to do in life. Damn I’m really struggling with an easy life, how stupiddd. I can’t imagine my parents finding out about this, I can’t stand affection from them and not that they have shown me much anyways. But I just know I’m going to be told to pray to God/god *roll eyes* or I need to pull myself together, or talk about how they had a harder life. They’re not bad parents, very chill-ish but I wish I could be pushed more in terms of motivation, getting praise for my grades, talk to them more about anything I’m passionate about or simply just our day but it’s not common in my culture. Okay I’ve stopped crying now, I’m still not okay, it’s not the end. Looking at my beginning paragraph. I find it weird/fascinating since last year in my original year 13 class before I repeated again, I think I showed my first sign of whatever turmoil I’m going through. I think it began when I was bunking a lot, I would laugh when my friends said “You’re bunking soo much” but deep down I was having trouble with myself. I hated the look my science teacher gave me or my form tutor “the pity/sorryyou’redefinetlynnotpassing” look. I mean my chemistry grades have gone from a U to B or higher (thank you new Chem teacher) which I’m happy about. I’m going to continue and push myself. I’m not the most optimistic person some may say it’s bad (ngl sometimes it is) but I really want to do well in school, I want to have better relationships with people, I want to improve my socialisation skills. I want to take my health seriously and overall stop being insecure and stop being/feeling embarrassed all the time.. I know it’s possibbbbbleee. If this is therapy I like it.