for another 70 years or so I’m going to have to wake up every day, brush my teeth shower, look after myself. Eat, drink. be sad, happy, fall in love. all for what? just for it to end and to never of mattered. I honestly can’t be bothered doing all of that. I feel like my life has no purpose or meaning, but not even in a sad and suicidal way. I just honestly don’t enjoy what life has to offer and much rather be dead. it just sucks that I have family and friends that would be upset if I died because I’m just so over boring and pointless life. I don't know if that makes sense and I probably sound like a depressed mental patient. but I honestly just don’t enjoy life. I enjoy moments in my life. the good times, but honestly, they’re not even worth all the effort I have to put in. I regret so many decisions in my past and wish I knew back then what I know now. I wish my mum helped me understand and raised me to be a better and more successful child. I wish she didn’t raise me around drugs and alcohol and swearing and abuse. I wish I had rules and role models, but instead I had people who I had to be the opposite of raise me. when I have children I’m going to make sure my life is making sure theirs is successful. I’m never going to steal, lie and manipulate my children and I’ll never ever take a cent for the board when they’re 18. I’d rather that money go into their savings. I just don’t understand what goes on in my mums brain. I don't know if I’m doing the right thing. I don't know if I’m in the wrong. I just need knowledge. I want someone to talk to about these things. I miss my ex because he’s the only one who genuinely cared when I was upset. now I have no one. i know what i have to do with my life to be more successful and have a chance at a future but it’s so hard on my own with no support from either parents. Gotta do it solo or with my grandma, but either way I gotta do it. Otherwise, I’m going nowhere. I gotta take the step and be independent. I just feel so stuck. This is why I don’t want to live because who could even be bothered worrying about all this when is all for nothing. I feel like I’ve lost the love of my life, my mum, my dad. I don’t feel close to my cousins and aunts. I dropped out of year 11, i had bad grades, I smoke weed, I’m lazy. I have depression because of my fucking genetics. what’s the point of even living with depression when I’m constantly going though manic and mania fazes. I’m done. I wish I wasn’t so scared to end it, I wish I knew what was granted at the end of life because I wish I was dead more than anything else. I wish I was dead more than I wish myself happiness. I don’t care about being happy, I don’t even care about caring I just want it to be blank now.