Background info: I'm a 20 year old male. When I was 15 years old, I wasn't the smartest. I made poor decisions regarding my body and what I did with it. I took many nude photos of myself and sent them to my partner at the time. They sent photos back. As we were both 15, I believed it was okay. Later on, it ruined my life. I had lost the cell phone these pictures were saved to and when I was 18 I moved out. I hadn't thought about that phone for years. 2 months after I left, my parents moved out and left everything in my old room. Cleaners found the phone and the photos. They were turned over to the police and I was promptly arrested for child pornography. Just 3 months after my 18th birthday. By this time, I was in a healthy relationship with my now wife and had a full time job, full scholarship to a local college, and even volunteered with what free time I had. I was a pillar of my community. I was appointed a lawyer(could not afford one myself) and went to court. He told me they could prove the male(me) in the pictures was underage and that since it was my phone, they were going to be able to get me either way.I took a plea deal.Probation and I have to register as a sex offender for life. With ruling came many restrictionsNo contact with anyone under the age of 17No social mediaNo viewing pornographyStay 1000 feet away from child safety zones10 pm curfewNo consumption of alcoholPay court costs totaling over 8,000Take a yearly polygraph(lie detector test)and complete 60 hours of community serviceMost of these aren't hat bad as I lived like this anyway but with that court ruling came many consequences. I lost my job. I was kicked out of my home. I lost my scholarship and the school wouldn't let me attend. My family moved across the state to get away from me. I lost just about everything except for my perfect wife. In that respect I am lucky. Most sex offenders lose everything.I spiraled into depression and immediately there were problems. One of my restrictions is I can't speak to people under the age of 17. Being fresh from high school, almost everyone I knew was under 17. They tried contacting me and even went so far as to show up to my temporary residence. This was a violation.I can deal with that. But it continued to get worse from there. Over 8,000 in court costs. I finally found a job but most of my money goes to payments to the government. I gave up on college. not much I could do in the way of that anymore. I have to take court ordered counseling for this. That wasn't so bad until recently.My only real struggle has been with porn. I was addicted before and I still am. I have a real problem with it. I've been on probation for the past 2 years and I've stayed porn free until recently. I had stress with a few things. I watched porn for the first time since probation. The very next day, I admitted to it to my probation officer and counselor. Since it was before a polygraph, they immediately marked me down as a fail. My heart sunk. They took me into a room and talked to me. More like scolding a child than trying to help me. I remember them saying things like, "no one is going to believe it was only yesterday.", "Prison isn't enough of a deterrent for you?", "your wife may leave you." it made me feel as though I shouldn't have told them. but it would've come out in the polygraph.I started looking for coping mechanisms since i fell off the wagon. To put myself back on track. I tried to train myself to not watch it. I Logged every instance of an urge. It wasn't doing enough. I used smelling salts and sniffed every time I got an urge. It worked for a little while then stopped. So I used a rubber band on my wrist. I would snap it at the thought of an urge. It worked for a while longer. Then it stopped. so i started scratching. it worked then stopped. so now I'm up to cutting. It's still working and the wounds aren't deep, but I'm sore. I'm tired.This is where I am now. My hair has started falling out and i move between not eating and binge eating. Its only been 2 years and I'm ruining myself. It's preached in these counseling classes that you're a deviant and that anyone you've ever been with was simply a victim. It makes me feel like I deserve this. I deserved to have my life ruined. I deserve the pain. I earned nothing less than the cuts and the panic. I didn't deserve to live the life I wanted because of what I did at 15. I don't deserve to be able to work toward my only dream. The only good part of my life is my wife. I don't deserve her. I don't know what to do anymore but I know that I'm spiraling.what do i do? what can I do?