So I’m in this close knit freind group 3 guys 2 girls (met at 10-13 and are well in our 20s now) I can’t stress how close we are. Like we all have individual relationships with one another amongst the group. Anyway myself and one of the other guys are gay so occasionally we link up and go out with our gay friends but as far as the dynamic between he and I goes it’s always been brotherly. No sexual anything. He invited me over as he had many times before to get daytime drunk and walk around the city. We hang out one on one all the time. Never thought twice about it (and Im not using alcohol as a cover up for my poor decisions just adding context lol). So we’re walking now and ended up going into this sex shop as a joke to just look around. He said one of the dildos reminded him of his ex lol and next thing I know we’re showing each other nudes and sex videos of us and our exes....then we’re in the car jacking of and giving each other head and I blinked and we were in his bed full on fucking and now I feel really bad... like about myself. And it’s really fucking with my head because I can’t talk to any of my friends about it. It would literally be like trying to tell your sister you and your brother fucked :/ I’ve just been making a lot of poor choices sexually putting my self at risk of bullshit in general all cuz I’m horny.. like I just put years of wholesome genuine friendship on the line just to get a nut. AND I DIDNT EVEN NUT LMAFO! It happened so fast. I was so caught of guard. Prior to this the closest we’ve come to seeing each other naked is at the swimming pool lol. I was practically staying with him and his parents at one point and I never even saw him in his undies. I don’t wanna make it seem like he just came onto me or anything. I was a more than willing participant...fuck I just I don’t want things to change between us but I can’t help thinking about if they do. Not only what that would do for us but for the rest of the friend group as well. All this happened around 8pm and it’s gonna be 6am soon. I’ve just been up laying here looking at the ceiling. I don’t want to lose my friend. This shit is just the tip of my emotional iceberg. Cue: recent bad break up, STIs, money problems, family deaths, emergency surgeries. Not to mention the fucking pandemic. You name it.. I’m tired of it but more so tired of how all this shit makes me feel about myself. Like I know life’s not all peachy but it feels like I’m tied by my legs to the back of a pick up truck driving 50mph on a gravel road and the road has just been going on for miiiiiiiiiiilllllleeees. I guess I’ll try to cry myself to sleep... got work at 7am.. Fuck me ..oops. Too late. My bro already did :( saddest part is I wanna fuck again. Help. I must be sick in the head. Smh.