Can't really believe I am writing this, but I am coming to a stage in my life where I am realising that I am unlovable. I have never had a serious relationship, have never had anyone tell me they love me, not even my own family.. or at least I have no memories of being told I am.
I crave intimacy and partnership, someone to talk to, to laugh with, cry with, share our fears and dreams, someone to wake up with in the morning and curl up with at night, but I am just alone, and I think this is it. I have not even had so much as a kiss for almost 15 years, and even just the touch of a simple hug from friend was well over a year ago now.
My heart is so desperate to love, I am kind, caring, always there for others, I see the best in everyone I meet and I encourage and fiercely love everyone that I care about, I would move mountains for anyone that needed a mountain moved. I am always helping and encouraging others to find love, celebrate babies and weddings - even though inside it kills me. I pay attention to special dates, I send random cards and presents to those far away just to remind them I care.
My birthday this year, I received one card.. and it was from a bus driver.
I have spent so many years convincing myself of the many reasons why I haven't found love, and I think I must be some kind of monster, that I am useful to serve others, but that I don't deserve happiness myself. And now, nearing 40 years of age. I have began my journey into acceptance that I am just unlovable. Any dreams of having a family of my own have now passed me by, and I feel that if I do decide to live past 40, that I will just have to accept that it will be alone. That's who I am.