Just a vent so I’m in grade 10 and I have my finals in 2.5 months. My best friend recently moved to a different city and my life has never been worse. I’m in a really bad place right now because I think I suffer from serious depression but there is no way to confirm it apart from self diagnosis because my family is not someone I can share things with. All I want to do is just kill myself and that’s the only thing I can think about. My parent are exhausting. I’m misophonic and basically sounds trigger me very much. My dad is the biggest trigger factor ever. He eats very loudly and constantly keeps coughing and sniffing which drives me mad and makes me come off as ignorant and “rude”. I cannot ask him to stop because he will just tell me off and call me disrespectful. My mom does give a shit and only cares about her business. She’s sick half the time. Because of my sound sensitivity issues I can only study during the night. This results in my sleep schedule being fucked up and because of that, I come off as drowsy and tired during the day which gives my parents the perfect opportunity to call me lazy and pathetic. I’m given no privacy or freedom of expression whatsoever in my house. I’m not allowed to be sad or happy because they start assuming things. I’m too scared to do anything. As a kid they used to hit me for every little thing. I was thrown a chair at and my nose started bleeding. The hitting has stopped but the emotional torture is very much still there. All my friends have considerably understanding parents and mine are just I dunno, awful I’d say. They keep telling me that I don’t spend time with them but in reality how could I? They are so triggering. My dad keeps telling me that he is my friend but if I’m even a tiniest bit informal I’m labeled as “disrespectful” and get yelled at. My birthday was a few days ago and it was the worst day of my life. I was extremely depressed and my parents definitely made it worse. I’ve never cried so much before. I would’ve preferred to write this rant in my diary but I’m too scared that they’d read it. Well this isn’t any less risky because this is my mom’s phone (I dont own a phone or a laptop). Sometimes i blame myself for not being thankful. I’m better off than most people in the world today. I have a roof, a room, food and every basic material thing. But in reality I’m so devoid of personal freedom and mental stability that I just want to end it all. Me being ungrateful definitely makes it worse. I just want to jump off the roof but I’m too fucking scared that what if it would hurt and what if I don’t die? My life will become a million times worse if I don’t die. Why do I have to be such a pathetic, ungrateful, lonely and depressed 15 yo?