This isn’t more of a rant than me letting go of my past and trying to move on,but for the life of me,this thing hangs over my head.I want to start this off by saying that I too,am probably at fault for many things,and I don’t want to tell anyone that I did nothing wrong but I have,and I need to take responsibility for it.this started back when I was around 10 years old,small little fellow,and I,like many people on this site,have shit parents,my mother is neglectful and by that point I’d seen my father only twice,so I got attached to people really fast.I met my step sister,and I wanted to be like her,I thought she was so cool and extremely funny to be around,she was an idol of mine,4 years appart and we were so inseparable,and then she started to change.I won’t go into detail because it’s unimportant to listen to the ramblings of a man with nothing else to do than cry about trauma,but she started to shift.she started smoking,I was 11,she was 15.She now didn’t take me out in town for ice cream,but instead took me to her other friends where they smokedto give some context,up until around 2 years ago I lived in a bad neighborhood,bars on shop windows,gunfire and illegal fireworks were a common sound,you know the drill,and my sister started to take me,runt scrawny 11 year old me,to sit with her and her friends while they tried to get me to either drink or smoke with them saying it’s harmless.at 12 I was beaten for the first time by people I didn’t know,they had a bat,I was walking to school,my step sister owed them debt.I stayed with my star because I thought I could help her change,I had so much trust in people,I payed off her debt with my allowance,I tried to get her to stop smoking,but she didn’t.she started saying I was worthless and nothing without her,and for a while I believed it.I had no friends,my parents didn’t care,and I was alone and angry,I started middle school as a “troubled” kid with shit grades and shit attitude,people said I smoked because my clothes smelled constantly of cigarettes,they said I picked fights,so they picked back,I got beaten in alleyways trying to get groceries multiple times,I just wanted a friend.I think my moment of realization came after she left me alone at 11 pm to go hang out with her(then) boyfriend,some of the only good ladds from her group took me home,they were cool,I liked them,I’m glad they’re not friends with her anymore.I know they say the only way to let go of abuse it to forgive or forget,but I don’t think I can ever forgive what’s been done to me,I don’t know how to move past,but I’m trying,I have a group of friends now,they make me feel important.and to anyone who was in my spot,you,your thoughts,your opinions,your traumas matter,so please,hang in there a little while,from a guy who’s made it out,it doesn’t last forever,I promiseHang onto that hope,that spite,to live and to thrive,for me,and for the people in the future who’ll cry for never meeting you,for yourself and what you will make off you,live.