Re post. I'm suffering a lot

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I have an abusive boyfriend. He is a pervert and I can't accept that so I wanted to break him with 6 months back but he chased me like crazy and fucked me up completely. I have sexual trauma now and I probably have a lot of other things I'm not aware of. I am scared of porn. I am just lonely and lost. I dont have any friends. I don't have a very supportive family. My family members are inconsiderate and abusive. My boyfriend watched porn for the first few months of our relationship and he didn't tell me anything about it . Oh and we started long distancing from the second month of our relationship. He told me things like other guys would never accept a woman who isn't fine with her boyfriend watching porn and masturbating to it . Oh and he always acted like before we started dating that he is demisexual and he isn't into dirty things. I have always wanted pure sex. Sex and love are both forms of energy. U can never love two people at the same time and sex is that way as well. As love can be kinetic energy sex is also kinetic energy which u release to the person you are sexually attracted to. So the fact that he watches porn just proves that he is sharing that energy with random people and giving it to random sluts. In a relationship where we are both serious and looking for marriage I think it's very disrespectful to do these things . He never fucked me properly. He could never sexually satisfy me because he could never emotionally treat me properly. I never wanted to control him all I wanted was for him to leave me but now I can't leave him. I love him a lot but he fucked me up . Everything I've said uptil now is probably all scattered and whoever is reading this probably can't understand anything . I'm in a very bad state right now. I get a lot of sucidal thoughts but I know I'll never kill myself. I have no one to talk to . If anyone here reading this has some free time then I really would appreciate it if u talked to me for a while. I want to share my views and you can share yours. Thank you for reading this.

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