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Realising the awfulness

Just typed in anonymous confessions into google after a party on a whim because I realise suddenly I have no person to Vent to, because every person I want to vent to has become the problem.

the root is that I don’t know how to talk to people , my own mum who I used to feel so close to I can no longer open up to. However she is probably the person I’m closest to at the moment. I just received my A level grades and I’m going to a top UK university but I cannot feel happy about it because I have a sense of impending dread that I will not make any friends, I know that sounds stupid and dramatic but my sense of self worth is so diminished and my personality feels so manufactured that I don’t think I will cope, I was at a party today and I had nothing to say to my “close group of friends” that I haven’t seen since the start of lockdown. I feel so lonely but due to my own problems it’s no one else, I have the friends I just lack the ability to maintain them or understand social situations at all. My friendship group of 10 girls has fractured into a 4 and a 6 . I’m a part of the 4 but I’m not close to them as they are to each other, I feel really alone. Yet uni won’t feel like an escape. I’m not suicidal yet I feel like a side character in my own life, how irrelevant I am. If I had never existed not even to my parents, no one would miss me ,(of course by definition no one can miss someone that never existed by you get my point).

Anyway next problem is that I’m slowly developing a crutch for alcohol lmaooo it’s only going to get worse at uni, the only thing I’m good at is drinking and even then I can’t handle that I’m either stone cold sober or blackout, I don’t even enjoy drinking but at least it makes me sociable, last time at a party my friend told me (while I was drunk) that her favourite version of me was when I’m drunk. She meant it as a compliment but it’s rattled around my head for around 9 months since January, she really prefers me when I’m incoherent and stupid.

ive got so much more to say I’ve just run out of steam. Typing my thoughts as a stream of consciousness really helps I’m not feeling so sad compared to the beginning of this rant but that means I can’t think of what to say. Maybe when I’m sad again I’ll carry on ranting ;))