I’m 32, male. My first sexual experience was with my female cousin when we were maybe 5/6. We were so young, I’m not sure how it ever even began. I remembered thinking that if I peed on her (lmao) while we were both naked then we’d be married and she might a baby after. Such a young mind. All the grandkids would sleep over at our grandparents house on a regular basis. I remembered vividly, she and I would wait until everyone else was asleep, then we’d experiment with out bodies. We learned to kiss. We’d rub on and touch each other. She was the first girl I fingered, and went down on. Although, neither of us knew why we were doing what we were. I remembered having feelings of desire and an “arousal” but it was years later before I was able to understand or know what was happening. We were always finding each other when all us cousins would play hide-n-go-seek to touch each other even if it was for just a second or two. I remembered a few occasions riding home in the dark in our grandmas car that we had our hand down each other’s pants. I’m not sure how we never got caught, or if the adults may have just been in denial. She was my first crush for sure. This all continued for several years until her mom met a guy and they moved off. She was 11/12 I think. Sadly, the man forcefully abused and raped her for the 2 yrs she was away. He is locked away for life now. I felt so angry when I found out about it. I felt helpless. I loved her and I had no way to show that bc I didn’t want anyone else know how I felt or what our history together had been. We didn’t fool around again until we were 20. She came to a party at my house and we got drunk. She asked if she could lay down, so I took her to my roommate’s room since mine was full of people. I carried her to the bed and lay her down. She kissed my neck and then we started making out. It was SOO hot. I was in there for a minute and we heard some one walking down the hall towards us. I sat up really fast, just as one of my drunk friends slammed open the door. He sarcastically said something about checking on us, but then said he was actually coming to hopefully make out with her. I sent him away and my cousins and I began kissing and grabbing each other all over again. I wanted to fuck her so bad but knew it wasn’t safe enough at the time for us to not get caught. So we decided that we’d tell the party that she was sick and wanted me to take her home. We waited a few more minutes and then got in my truck. We drove around for a minute before parking on a back country road. I kissed her again. By this time though, we had both sobered up and were aware of what about to happen. We talked about it a bit and we both wanted it. She told me she loved me. But there was a guilty feeling that was eating at us both, her more than me, about us being cousins. I pulled my dick out and she gasp for breath. We both were so fuckin hot for each other, but in the end our fear of being caught and our moral judgment kept us from having sex. To this day we have never had sex. And unfortunately, that night was the last time we ever hooked up. I fantasize about her often. I would really like to watch her sexy body riding my cock. She’s pregnant again now, baby daddy unknown. I swear if it wasn’t frowned on culturally I take her in and raise her kids as my own. there is definitely a sexual tension between us when we visit each other. And on many occasions we have caught each other’s eyes checking each other out. Is it wrong to have sexual lust and fantasies about my cousin still? I actually was honest to my bisexual (then) GF of 6 years about this history (secretly hoping it would open up things for 3some with my cousin and my gf) but my gf was not nearly as receptive about the history as I had imagined her to be. Long story short, we broke up shortly after. I still want to fuck cousin, but I’m a little shy to make a move on her or even discuss it with her, because I’m afraid doing so might make things awkward between us when we are in front of family.