I know exactly the feeling. All too well. The biggest mistake I made when I first started feeling this way when I was 13 was not talking about it to anyone. My family was very different from yours. I grew up in an abusive household where, from the age of 7, I was responsible not only for myself, but my 60 year old step dad who was a paraplegic. I would walk by myself after school, about a mile home and I would be the first one there out of my two older siblings. It was my responsibility to take care of him, including rolling him in to the bathroom, helping him get his pants down, and helping him wipe his butt. Did I mention I was 7?I wish I had someone I trusted to talk to about the physical and mental abuse I went through. My mom didn't think anything of it, she was trying her best to make enough money for us to eat and have a place to live. She also was the one doing the beating. Everything I went through while I was a kid I thought was normal, so I never complained about it.But by the time I was 13, I was suicidal, anorexic and bulimic. I had friends, but I didn't want them to think I was seeking attention or I was exaggerating about my household, or just be bothersome. All of this escalated into me cutting myself over 200 times (yes, I counted each and every cut). I felt so much pain, yet I was so numb. So numb in fact, that I had to cut my skin to feel something.... to feel good, to feel bad, I didn't know.Anyways, forward through 20 years of bi polar cycles. I went from depressed, to manic, and right back to depressed. I moved around, slept around, got arrested a few times, drank myself near to death, did cocaine, popped pills, did an insane amount of acid and mushrooms. I didn't realize it until recently that I was doing this because I was running away from something.I am now 33, stable, no more drinking or drugs (except for weed), married, with a kid, and I've learned to talk more about my past. Just simply talking about it, talking about your feelings, talking about your accomplishments and even disappointments in yourself really help.Although you feel as though you have everything good going for you, a good family, good school, good friends, all of that..... it doesn't invalidate how you feel. Don't feel guilty about being sad. Talk about it. Open up to someone you trust and talk to them about it. People have different experiences and different levels of trauma, and sometimes you forget about something that happened to you. Talking about your feelings help you determine "why" you are feeling this way.Also, don't feel bad if you can't figure our "why" you're sad. You're sad, feel it, experience it, validate it, acknowledge it and talk about it. That's the only way to make it go away. It's going to hurt in the process, but that feeling you get in your chest that feels like an elephant is sitting on it, or you feel like bursting at the seams from all of these feelings.... in the end, what you're actually doing is opening the floodgates and releasing that negative energy.Soon, you'll feel less full from the negative feelings because you begin to understand yourself more. Write in a diary, either in private or on this forum. Even if there wasn't anyone in the other end who is reading what you wrote, you are doing it for yourself. Do it to heal. Do it for self reflection. Look for answers within yourself by reading the words that you wrote. That helped me a lot.You feel full because you've been suppressing your sadness or anger for too long. You might feel guilty or bothersome, but trust me, you're not. Any time I opened up about my past to people I know and trust, they have embraced me with so much love that it helped me fill the cracks that have been inside my heart for far too long. I wish I had done it sooner, but you know what? There's no use in saying "I wish I did this, or I wish I did that". It's only going to make you feel worse about yourself.Instead, try to go into the mindset of "I WILL do this," and "I WILL do that".Anyways, I hope I didn't ramble on too much. Remember, that there will always be people out there who will be willing to listen to you. And if they're going through some hard things themselves, listen on right back. We are all in this pandemic together, and the only way we can survive is by supporting each other.I want you to know that I see you and I support you. I know how you feel and I know how hard it is to pull yourself out of that hole. I am rooting for you and I know you can do it, just don't give up!Much love,M.G.