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Resentment towards My Mother.

Growing up, I have always looked up to my mother. I used to think that she is my superhero, my role model and my sidekick. Numerous cards and letters that I have sent her after she has been away for work trips, all because I admired her. Various types of essay that I have dedicated for her, all because I respected her. Countless hugs and kisses, as well as endless I love yous, all because I appreciated her and loved her. Despite not really having a father figure in my early childhood, I was not afraid nor was I jealous of my peers. Because my mother was all I needed, she was my both mother and father. I loved staying at home with my mother, I loved staying in my own room with her occasionally comes inside and lie down on my bed. I remember how reluctantly I waved my hand at her when she had to leave after sending me to university. I remember how hard I cried that night, all for I missed my mother so much. However, things have taken a turn, a bad turn. Now I dread staying home so much that I can’t wait to leave again. After 19 years of living, I realized that I do not live in a broken family, but an abusive family. Not a single day pass by peacefully. Each and every single day is the same routine. Some doubtful questions from my mother, and a lot of yelling, screaming, and nagging. When things get a little worse, stuffs throwing and threats are included. For my mother, even the smallest thing, is worth the energy of getting worked up. If my mother thinks or says I did something, I did something. There is no space for self-defense nor explanation. Whatever I do in this house, is wrong. Quoted by my mother, I can’t do anything right. If that is the case, am I not just a good for nothing and a waste of space? I am not hating on my own mother, I am far from blaming her. However, I am sad. Very sad to be exact. Where has my loving mother gone to? Where did my mother that viewed me as gem instead of trash went? Does she hate me now, does she want me to disappear, does she not love me anymore? All these questions have to come in my head at least once every single day now. I do not know what to do, I just want my mother back.