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i am numb but i am also overwhelmed with emotion. i have no one to talk to. i’ve gone through so much trauma yet i am only 14 years old. i am a happy person though, i laugh a lot and have a sense of humor but i am so scarred and i feel like i am to a point of no return. i have been my own therapist for so many years that the idea of talking to someone is repulsive. i’ve always been insecure for as long as i can remember. my earliest memories are of traumatic experiences. no one knows this about me because to my parents i’m a stranger and when i’m around my friends i’m a completely different person. i hope one day i can make hundreds of thousands of people happy. i have so much ambition but it’s so hard to get motivated. i have commitment issues and i suffer with a lot of mood swings even when i’m not on my period. no one asks me if i’m doing okay and no one cares. since covid 19 i’ve been going more and more downhill. before school was cancelled i was thriving. i had routines and was really happy but of course it had to end. speaking of routines it’s so hard to start a routine and it’s confusing because to most people a routine is something that comes natural but not to me. i’m starting to think i am depressed and that i have other issues but i don’t know who to talk to to actually get diagnosed. i also suffer from severe anxiety. the littlest things like going to the grocery store scare me. i have a plan for the future but i’m scared that i won’t even graduate high school because my parents didn’t. i also don’t have any money for college and it scares me because failing in life is my biggest fear even though i don’t believe that you have to go to college to make it in life it still scares me.