I was in a similar situation. Unfortunately, the walls i built were to thick for me to tear down.I hide behind them, safe in my comfort zone. Hypervigilant, I am aware of any situation that could lead to feelings. When theirs a nick in my armour, a possibility some kind of light/feeling could come of that moment, i curl up in a tighter ball. Think of any and all negative marks against that person, push away all the positive. In my fight to not have my heart hurt again, ive changed. And i hate it. I wish someone could tear down these walls from the outside. Ive become accustomed to living my lie. That i dont want or need anyone. That im satisfied with how things are. Its a lie. I want to be held. Pulled onto someones lap. Have my hand held. Id love for someone to come up behind me and wrap their arms around me.from behind, pull me into their chest and hold me tight. Lay their chin on my head. Or at least put a hand out and pat me on the damn sjoulder a few times as they walk by. I say i dont cuddle. Cuddling is a doorway that leads to comfort, security, and gooey emotionsI lie. I want to lay my head on your chest, feel your heartbeat under my fingertips. I want to hear the rumble of your voice, as i lay with your arm around me, letting your fingers occasionally rub my arm. I want to hear about your day, even if what you do is something i dont understand. I want someone to want to tell me. I want someone that will hold on to me tight, and make me feel safe and loved. I want to be held and cuddled all night. I want ro hear how important i am to you. I want someone to miss me. I want someone to want me. To touch me, sexually and none sexually. Make me feel like im not a repulsive creature that youd rather put a bag over my head or a pillow before you can screw me. I want to feel human touch on a daily basis. Not just used for sex. Their wont be a sign. The opposite is likley to occur. That will leave you feeling confused. You will notice a distance. They will pull back out of fear, like a wounded dog. Snarling and snapping, or slinking off with its tail between his legs whimpering. U kinda just have to reach in and take a chance. U gotta be the first to voice it. Then own it, and take charge. Cuz they wont. Oh they will jump. And pull back a little. But dont let the flash of what the fuck on their face detour you. Do it until the melt into your arms. They need it. You put your hand in a flame to many times, u cant make yourself do it again. Unless someone else shows u its safe. Because some people feel to much, ya know? The heart actually physically hurts sometimes. Some are more sensitive to emptions, others less. Anyways, just some insight into my double life i guess. I say i dont lie. Self preservation, thats not a lie is it?But its a lie that now has become my reality. And i dont want it anymore. My prison.