people have told me I'm lame for being religious, and people have told me that I'm lame cause I don't cuss. it may be a joke, I really do think it was a joke but it still hurts. my heart has been aching lately and I'm not sure why. normally I tend to feel this way it last maybe a day, but I've been feeling like this for several days now. I was supposed to watch an anime with my best friend back in 2019, we never made it through the first episode, and the reason why we didn't I forgot. I asked her often then if we could watch it together and something was always up, homework, chores, etc, but now she has time for everyone, maybe its the pandemic but it still does hurt. she's watched the anime on her own, and is now going to re-watch it with her boyfriend. we were supposed to watch it together two years ago, and now she gets into it, and now she has time, for others, and now it just hurts more. i keep on finding that people find me annoying, I don't talk enough or I talk too much. I tend to speak or do random things out of impulse if it gets quiet or awkward. stuff like sending a weird video or meme, but it seems everyone gets to make fun of me when it gets to times like those. I wish that I could make people smile, and if messing with me and nobody else does, I think id be happy just as long as they talked to me from time to time. its tiring that I'm always the one to start up conversations, and its annoying that I'm afraid to be myself. something happened at school one day, it wasn't bad but I was laughing so hard. I could only hear my laugh, I was loud, it was annoying, but all I could hear from on of my friends was "why does she laugh like that", and my laugh slowed down, and I was quiet the rest of lunch. my parents don't know, my friends don't know, my teachers, my family, nobody knows that I have high functioning anxiety, which basically in short looks like you don't have any worries, or nothing is stressing you out, your put together and doing well. but I'm not doing well, I want to cry but I don't want to worry anybody, I want to tell people off, but I'm afraid of hurting them and losing them, I want to be able to be me without worrying what people will think or do. with high functioning anxiety we tend to over think things, we tend to ask the same question over and over since we don't want to mess up, we tend to do repetitive things, we look calm, we are outgoing, we are high achieving, but were hurt, we're scared of letting our guard down, we're scared of letting people know just how broken we are. I just found out recently that I have it, and I've had it for a while. for as long as I can remember I've been this way. people tend to talk down on me, people meaning people who think their stronger, better, cooler, or are older than me. I have two friends that do, one of them seems to always dislike what I say since I'm religious. he dislikes my beliefs, although he's more bearable since he docent cuss at me for it. while the other he dislikes my beliefs and isn't afraid to say that he'll smoke with satan when he gets to hell. my heart really aches, my head, well its constantly forgetting things now, and my work has been half of what I can do. i want to be a pleasant person to be around, but quite frankly I don't think it'll happen. I wanted to rant here since I have nowhere else to rant. thanks for reading, have a nice day, and stay safe.