i’m so unhappy with how my life has turned out, i had so many friends at school and still managed to make myself separate, i cant bring myself to talk to anyone because i’m sad all the time. I find myself pushing away all the people i have in my life because i’m trying way too hard to get them to like me that it becomes annoying and weird. No one knows how hard it trying to keep going at the moment. No one knows how sad i am. I’m so fucking sad.I ignore emails and texts for months because i can’t physically bring myself to reply. Everything makes me feel guilty. I hate my body, i have now been bulimic for a whole year, i started off by thinking it would only be a one time thing and now i find myself sticking my fingers down my throat over my shitty uni toilet every day.I’m so sick of this. I don’t want to feel anymore. I want to disappear. Disappear in a way that no one would miss me, that no one would even notice that i’m gone. In a way that no one would ever know that i was hereI don’t want people to know how much i’m struggling, i don’t want the sympathy, i just want to be better.I want to be unaware of all the things that make me sad, i want to be able to hear something and process it in the right way without spiralling the whole day, i want to be able to get on with my life without this veil of sadness i have hanging over me.I cant even cry about it anymore. It’s the new normal. I used to sit and cry every night about how shitty everything was but now i’m numb. I spend hours everyday staring at a screen, hoping to see something that gives me a wave of happiness, all whilst feeling sick with guilt that i’m not getting stuff done.I’m just reacting now, i don’t want to let myself feel anymore because it all becomes too much. My emotions are constantly on high voltage and any emotion that’s not neutral makes me feel out of control.I have always wanted to be someone else and not me because i’ve always found a problem in every aspect of myself and my personality. I remember that as a child i was told that i was too heavy handed and was compared to an ‘elephant’ so i noticed one of my delicate skinny friends and started copying her mannerisms, specifically the way she held her hands, the pinky finger always slightly curved. I saw that as elegant and now at 19 years old, i notice myself positioning my hands like that unintentionally. These aren’t even my hands. I’ve constantly changed myself along the way to fit in with others to the point that my fucking pinky fingers have changed.I want to start over. Wipe this life away and find a new one, one where i don’t care about what anyone says, where i put myself first, and one where i’m happy.