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sadness behind a smile

I'm an empath. I feel everything so deep even the slightest things can hurt me so much it feels like not even being stabbed but more like being stoned to death by the people you love.

Some days it's fine because i can talk myself out of feeling too deep by constantly repeating to myself I'm fine it's not that bad it will be alright.

But some days it hurts so much i don't even have any tears left to cry, all i can do is hide in the bathroom and let out silent screams noone will ever hear... Then come out and pretend everythings good. Because it is, most likely it's not even that bad, but for me.. It hurts. Everything hurts and i can't help it.

Having a person who understands what i'm like next to me has been a blessing and I appreciate him so much all his efforts all reassurance all little compliments that make me feel good about myself, he's the best thing has happened to me in a very long time, feels so great to finally be appreciative and loved FOR REAL, especially after the last relationship i went through.

But there is a BUT. He's been so great to me I think i've gave in to him too much and now I rely on him always being on my side. But that would be too much to ask for. I am difficult and i have days i'm a complete disaster, like today when even my love couldn't deal with me. And it's so hard because he is the only person who could of made me feel better but he was tired of dealing with it and pushed me away and now i'm just lost. My mind keeps playing with me and i have no control. From one point of view I know I'm being difficult and for once he actually needs a break from it, but when i think about it again I know that I would never ever just walk out and go to bed knowing well he's upset. Maybe my expectations are too high when i hope i'd be treated same as i treat others, maybe i'm crazy, maybe it's maybeline. I'll never know. I bet if this gets heard from his point of view i'd just get labelled psycho and it wouldn't be the first time, but I wish someone could step in my shoes and be in my head even for 10 minutes, the thoughts I have, the pain I feel. I wish I could just be normal, be like everyone else.