Hello to anyone who's reading this. I'm a middle-eastern 17 year old girl . I study in the best highschool for girls in my country , I've always been hardworking , and I'm always one of the top ten - or top five - in my grade/class. During past two years , I've been studying for IMO , but i failed to pass the second national exam this year( due to an incidinet that happened to me on the second day of the exam. Also , i was terribly depressed for two months after this. I thought about suicide very often those days. No one knew how sad i was. I dont let out sadness much , and with the global pandemic , i only communicate with others through internet , which makes faking easier.) and now I'm studying for the university entrance exam which is held next year. I also have a 13 year old sister , who failed to be accepted in the same school I go to , and now studies in a middle-class school.Now you see , my parents always make me feel terrible.They either stress me out saying that I dont study enough , saying other students have been studing for entrance exam for the past two years , saying I'm behind in some lessons and saying other people in my class (whom i dont like) are going to surpass me for certain and i have to study more , or they make me really sad by saying that " so , next year you'll be a student at X university , right ? " ( X university is an example of the really low quality universities in the country.)and saying that I wont get into the top university that I want to go to.Also , I play the piano and before i used to be quite good at it. But now , after two years of not practicing (i had too many things to study and had no time for other things. Three days of the week , i got home at 8 pm and others , at 4.) I cant play much. I suck at it actually. Now since summer , I've begun practicing again, and every time, my mom does something to inform me that i play really bad , like i dont know that myself. As an example , I once played a piece - and played it quite well- and my dad joked that I'm beethoven . What did my mom do ? She laughed and said " the cockroach tells its child your legs are as beautiful and as bright as glass "( this is an idiom in my country) lovely , isnt it ? And this just makes me wanna cry. Like I'm crying right now.On the other hand , they dont even say a thing to my sister . She never studies half as much or half as well as I do. She got 15/20 in her elementry school , for god's sake (which is really horrible since the lessons and gradings are easy.) And she ALWAYS gets what she wants , whereas I have lost count of the times that I've decided to shut up about wanting a thing because I've figured it wouldnt be worth hearing a "no" or some stupid thing like "what do you need it for ? I can make one for you " and losing my dignity. However , this one doesnt bother me at all. It just makes me slightly sad , but the first issue... it's honestly driving me insane !Now onto the second problem :I am lonely. I have a friend , but i dont think that i'm the same friend to her as she is to me (she has other friends , whereas i dont) I think I might be a bit paranoid and pessimistic , but honestly , no one likes me or wants me as a real friend. I had a friend who was very close to me during these past two years , but in summer I figured she viewed me as someone truly diffrent from me , and also she had told me a few lies (which i previously had decided to let go , because i was alone and i didnt want to be) and we had a row which caused the whole thing to go down in flames. We are still friends , but not a bit like how we used to be.And every time someone does message me , i have to put on a show and pretend i'm interested in whatever they're saying (which 99% of the times , I'm not) so that if i needed them one day , they wouldnt refuse me , and they would consider me as a friend and not an enemy to compete with.Except for that one friend i have now (to whom i cant talk much , because she is studying for ICHO and is quite busy) and the one which lied to me , I have never shown people who i really am. And yes , i dont trust people much. Every time i do , it ends with me spending a lot of time with them , and then i eventually figure at some point that they dont really like me and dont want to be my friend , or they just dont care , and then everything goes down in flames . The first time this happened was in middle school. I was friends with this group , and i truly liked them all ( except for one) but then one day , they all post a picture of them going out , and i was the only one who wasnt invited. I was showing their profile photos to my mom when i saw the photos. And that moment , my mom said "are you okay ?" And this is serious , because i dont let out my sadness at all. Honestly , i dont know why they do this. I am loyal , I'm always someone they can rely on , someone they can trust , someone who will listen to them and try to sooth when they are sad or angry or have problems. Either in a logical way or in an emotional way. And yet , here I am. It might seem stupid , but at the age of 17 , I have an imaginary friend. I sometimes cry at nights when i get sad, and when i do , i imagine him talking to me , saying words that i want to hear. I'm really sad. And there's no one i can talk to. And i had no idea what to do, so here i am. Sorry to have bothered you. Sorry for the probable misspeling and gramatical mistakes. And sorry that I've taken your time. I just wanted to talk to someone , and this feels quite nice. Its like I'm charlie from "the perks of being a wallflower" . Anyway , thank you for reading.