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Scared of myself

I hate my self and my body. I hurt someone and Now I hurt. I am purposely starving myself and it’s only been 2 weeks. I can’t eat food cuz I don’t deserve it and I hate my body. I feel alone, cold, and scared. I have a big heart but why do I hurt people I care about and why do I hurt myself. I’m a bad person. My biological dad is a bad guy and I’ve been in contact with him to figure myself out but the more I get to know him the more scared of him I become. He’s in prison for raping two underage girls. He’s a monster. He made me so does that mean I’m a monster? I feel like I’m a bad person just like him. I can’t control my urges. I cheat, I lie, I hurt people mentally, and I hurt myself. I’m hurting. I’m hurting!!!!!!!

I don’t know what to do. I can’t kill myself because I’m a mom. I love being a mom. It makes me happy. But, I am struggling with my depression and with everything going on around me. I need help but I call a dr or a therapist and they are booked way out... I don’t know what to do

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Re: Scared of myself

You know what? "there is a fine line between love and hatred". You have conscience, a big heart that is why you understand that you are hurting yourself and others. I am also a bad person. I gossip about people, I hate, hurt and behave rudely with people. You are not alone. This is not 'permanent '. Do you believe in God? If you do then can you not understand that God is also selfish,bad who has given us all these deformities but still, we forget that. I once hurt a person deeply, tried to commit suicide and ended up living normally. Look, you did not hurt that person intentionally, nobody can do that. When we do bad to others we just get lost into confusions and negative emotions that lead us to destruction. Do you remember that pain which you felt while giving birth to your children? That is an indicator of your strength. Your dad is a rapist but you are not that. A man once harassed me sexually (verbal sexual harassment). But I will never hate his children. Every one is individual and you are extremely individual. You can show everyone that you are different, you are not like your father.


And why don't you eat? The less we eat the more bizarre thoughts we get. If you have the chance ask for forgiveness to that person whom you have hurt and even if they don't forgive you, you can feel relieved. And, if you don't have that chance talk to yourself, write down a letter to that person asking for forgiveness and never punish yourself. You have the ability to save yourself. Wish you all the best.