Days, weeks, months and years pass where I slowly lose control. I slowly sink in the comfort of my sadness like a love couch that you just don't want to get out of. I slowly sink into this permanent lifestyle of realizing nobody cares. You can scream and beg. You can fight your absolute hardest to just be seen. You spend endless sleepless hours crying. Endless and sleepless nights wondering why nobody cares. Why nobody loves you. You spend hours driving yourself insane and breaking your own heart as you start to realize and maybe even accept that you were created to take pain. You were created to take the emotional burdens and scars of others and wear them like your favorite hoodie. I remember being a little kid just wanting to have fun. Just wanting to play with my brother and sister. Just wanting to have parents who cared about you the way they care about your siblings. You grow up thinking maybe they will notice if I just accomplish a lot. But they don't. They never do. Everybody tells you to grow up. Just don't think about it. Dive into God and his word and it will disappear. But that isn't true. Who do you beg to see you hurting when even God doesn't even see it. Everybody calls you this funny guy. You light up the room. You have a big smile and a big heart. You genuinely wish nothing but the best for others. You spend all day showing everybody the version of you that they want to see. Meanwhile you have this growing monster inside of you. You have this beast in you constantly screaming. Constantly eating at any ounce of happiness that might show up. It feeds off of it. You try to contain it. But at the end of the day, you just can't. It's like a switch. Like your mind is reminding you to not get too happy.So what's the solution? You could try to train yourself to turn off your emotions. Convince yourself that you can't want to die if you don't know what it feels like to live. But ending it would only do the opposite. I don't want people to notice me when I am gone. I dont want people to love me when im gone. I dont want people to give me this image of my former self as this happy guy who always had a smile. Always cracked a joke and was there for everybody. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GET NOTICED. TO GET LOVED AND CARED ABOUT. THATS ALL I WANT. TO KNOW THAT SOMEBODY EVEN CARES THAT I EXIST. LIKE WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!