4:16pm. In 4 minutes, it’ll be weed o’clock. Ahah, lol that’s comedy. I don’t laugh anymore tho but still comedy. Well I’m just gonna write for no reason or maybe because it helps me make sense of my own mind? Here’s the thing, I have no reason to be sad, yes I’ve lived through things that people would consider unfortunate or if I was someone else, perhaps it would’ve affected me more. But I’m not someone else, I’m me and to me, shit like homelessness, parent issues, epilepsy, toxic extended family and death never really mattered to me. I was fine and just went on with shit as things went on. That’s just normal. So why am i sad? Why do I feel no motivation? It’s Eid right? What tf is wrong? My cat is sitting next to me rn, he put his paw on my shoulder and he’s purring and it has also just reached 4:20 so haha, comedy time. Blaze it. Sometimes I wonder how life would be if I wasn’t Muslim. Probably I’d be dead by now. Or abusing at least one substance. I’d probably tell everyone that i do it for fun and play the role of that one wild friend but in reality, it would probably be because asserting myself to that role would give me meaning or would make me feel more present. As well as getting concern from other people, it feels good when people are concerned for you, like they care. I think i care about whether people care about me a lot. Here’s the thing, I care about a lot of people, way more than myself, they own every single part of me and they’ll just never see that. And when i think back to conversations and interactions, I know that 100% they don’t care the same for me. And it hurts, but I understand it more than it hurts. Because I think back to the person I am and I can’t even define her, I don’t know who the fuck I am. The people that like me don’t know who I am either, I change to every person I know, the more i care about them, the more I shift myself to occupy their needs. I don’t care about what I need or what I want because i don’t know what I need or want. In all honesty, I regret a lot that I’ve done, right now, I regret ever talking to people, ever dumping whatever the fuck my brain is coming up with, I regret talking to them in the beginning and ever making them have to deal with the shithole of a mess I am. I’m nothing and nobody, just that extra side character that nobody cares about or particularly likes, who if removed, nothing would change. I like to kid myself a lot and pretend that my actions mean something but it doesn’t. Because in the end, it doesn’t matter, nothing i do matters, I just don’t matter.I’ll always be the disgrace of the family, I acknowledge when something happens that should hurt me but I don’t even have it in me to feel hurt. I’m self conscious, doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. But nowadays I don’t even get hurt or upset when someone points out my flaws. Because they’re true. What’s the point of getting upset over the truth. Truth hurts but once you’re used to it, it’s just confirming what you already know. My presence doesn’t matter and i know that whoever reads this will go ahead and try to convince me otherwise but deep within, I know that they’re also trying to convince themself otherwise. When someone insists on something, it’s often a sign of them trying to convince themselves of it too. I’ve seen it happen with relationships, over the top compliments and insisting that they love someone by using words is a big sign that the person themself is conflicted and is trying to make themself believe what they’re saying. I’m not making much sense, it doesn’t matter. Nothing does. Life goes on and so do I. I follow the rules mostly and ignore my own happiness and I shift myself to what people want to see in me and I do this so often that I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s too late for me. Someone once told me that true happiness is waking up feeling satisfied and at peace with yourself even with nothing happening. True happiness is when your constant is peaceful. My constant is empty, it’s an emotion I am incapable of understanding, things make me happy for sure, people make me happy, my cat makes me happy, but at the end of the day, when I’m alone with myself in the dark, I’m not happy. I despise myself and constantly imagine I’m someone I’m not. But at the end of the day, I’m me and I’m stuck with myself and I hate it. But there’s nothing we can do except move on. I should be happy with what I have. I should be more than happy, I’m an extremely lucky individual who never had to really suffer. On many occasions, I piss myself off, I’m honestly fucking pathetic, it’s reaching a point that my motto literally is “get over yourself”. Ok, the guy you like doesn’t like you back, fucking get over it. That’s fucking expected anyway isn’t it? I mean if we list shit about you and everybody that was his type, it’s fucking obvious as to why. On days that I’m more confident, I like to trick myself into believing I’m enough, that people love me for me, and then a little bit of time passes when i realise that wasn’t the case. I’m a person who is very (forgot the fucking word, I can see shit and like I can figure out the reasonings behind people’s views and etc, speculative?) Anyway, here’s the class of people who hang out with me. The heroes. These are the ones who hang out with me to resolve that conflict within themselves, they find it peaceful for their soul to hang out with the loner and maybe to be able to fix the poor epileptic girl who always looks upset. Then we have the victims, these are the ones who’ve never really had someone and so they try to kid themselves into believing I am their saviour per say (I sound so fucking arrogant saying this too), these people tend to be clingy af and they feed themselves lies about me to kid themselves out of it. Once they meet a better person, they leave. Then we have the one who doesn’t really care but tries not to be rude, the one who’d do the bare minimum and humour you to believing you’re their friend. And then we have the ones who believe it’s genuine, I care about those the most and I care about their opinion on me the most too. They believe it’s genuine but the bit of me they see is just what I show them, it’s what I hope they see, it’s the bit of me that I want to be but I’ll never be. That’s possibly why I make online friends easily and I can barely make any irl friends. Because it’s easy to be someone you want to be online whereas in real life, it’s hard. And nobody truly cares about whoever tf I am irl. People care about what I do. Not what I am. And that’s just the facts, whatever love I get is always conditional. I’m not worthy of unconditional love or will i ever get it and that’s just something I have accepted a long time ago. Well anyway, I’m exhausted so I’m ending this. I think it’s important to say that in the end, I’m not sad. And rn, I’m not angry either although that’s pretty rare. I’m also not happy, I’m just nothing, empty and numb, unmotivated to do anything and lonely as well ig. I don’t feel positive nor do I feel negative. But the absence of positive emotions does feel negative at times ngl. Anyway, this is a human signing off at 4:51pm, my dramatic ass really wrote for this long lol.