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shitty life

I've been living in the dark for probably 2 years. It all started when I will be leaving a place I am more attached to than to the place I will go to. I live abroad with my parents and they decided to go back home where they were born. Since I'm a minor, I can't be left abroad to study (although my older sibling is studying there and will be working there too). Then right there, I fell into deep depression.


My parents had "controlled" me my whole life. One more reason to be depressed about my life is tasting no freedom. I've been wanting to die so badly.


Speaking of dying, I tried to take my life around the mid week of march this year. I even planned for the day. I was so depressed that time because I fucked up some shit. I brought a shithole in the house and my parents almost kicked me out (i wont go into much detail. It's a veryyyyy long story). That shithole shouldnt really be brought to the house but the worse of me did it. And I hated myself, even to this day. This story might confuse you but the point here was I fell into the deepest of depression and I almost killed the fuck out of me. Wondering how I'm still living? I was a coward, i admit. I just wanted someone to assassinate me or kill me.


Besides that, I feel suffocated while living under my parents. They pressure me into this shit and that shit. And I really want to die. I have no friends to talk to except for the fact that I have a "best friend." But the problem is, I don't think we're really best friends. We dont tell each other our problems and secrets. So to fix my description of our friendship, we're not that close and we are not really best friends. But we kept calling each other "bestie." I dont even know if she notices about the status of our friendship tho.


So yep, sucks for me. I dont have anyone to talk to. I'm just gonna be alone my whole fucking life. Nobody also understands me. I just hope I'll die so soon because I feel useless.


And please don't tell me I'm "important" or "special" or "significant" in this world. I'm actually and honestly tired of that shit (no offence tho). I'm neither an optimist or pessimist, but life really works this way. It's a bitch with two faces and it could grow a third or more. Whatever the hell it grows, I hope they dont bite me first.