I've been with my partner for 10 years and I'm starting to feel like it's reached it's end.
For ten years, we've been focusing on school, careers, and family issues so it really wasn't a big deal that our relationship wasn't moving up to the next step of commitment because at least I was under the impression that we were working our way up to it. Now, I feel that we have gotten our life in order: we finished school and got our careers started. While family matters will always happen, I felt that we were dealing with them and could focus more on our future.
Earlier this year, my partner moved in to a home belonging to his family. For years, the plan was to have us both move in to that house together until we were able to buy a home. He didn't even talk to me about moving in on his own first. His reason was that he wanted to make sure everything was in order with the house and that his family would be ok with the arrangement. I was upset that he made this decision without talking to me first, but he assured me it was in the best interest for the two of us. I asked how long he needed before I could move in and he'd never give me a concrete answer. It was always "soon". Meantime, he asked me to start clearing out my stuff and get rid of what I don't need. I did as he asked.
Two months later, he still doesn't give me a date for me to move in. Now he needs to clean out his belongings to make room for me. I became frustrated because every time I went over, I never saw any progress. It got to a point where we fought and that was the only reason he cleared out a mere drawer to show he was working on it. Two more weeks pass by and that's the only progress he made.
It also frustrates me that he'll ask me to help him clean the house. I did a couple of times, but recently I told him that I do not live there and that is not my responsibility. If he wants me to help with chores, I should be living there and share the responsibility. I'll clean up after myself when visiting, but I'm not a cleaning service.
I didn't want to resort to ultimatums, but I told him I couldn't wait for him to be ready. At my home, my parents are going through issues and my mother is sleeping in the living room. I feel guilty that she is sleeping on a couch when I should be able to move out and give her her own space. I bring up this concern to my partner and he does not seem to take it seriously. I don't know if it is an ultimatum, but I told him if he didn't give me a date to move in, I'd just move out on my own. He gave me the same answer: "soon" and he didn't want me to waste my money on rent when I could be living with him and split rent.
Recently, he told me he was planning on going to a camping trip with his friends as a bachelor party. I became so frustrated that for the past 3 months he's told me he hasn't had time to clean out his belongings, but is able to make time for a trip with his friends. He's always too tired to clean after work and I suggested he do it in parts so he doesn't feel overwhelmed with cleaning. He didn't take my advice and now I'm angry that he can't make time for something that matters to me and to improve our relationship, but he drops everything for this party. He told me he might not go, but wanted to because he wants these friends to go to his wedding and feels obligated to go so they'll do the same for him. Worse part is he didn't bother to tell me he decided to go and I had to find out on my own.
I'm not comfortable with him going to this trip especially because of covid-19 and I told him, but that didn't matter. It didn't make it better that the people going to this trip have talked about strippers and drugs for the party. He assured me it was a joke, but I didn't find that amusing. The drug part was real. I think it's disrespectful to joke about strippers especially as most of them have girlfriends. Maybe I'm over reacting to this part, but it is upsetting. I hate this locker room talk and I would never say things like that because I respect my partner's feelings. I can't even trust him to go on a trip alone.
This past weekend, we got into an argument over everything. I pointed out how he has not done anything to clear up his things to make room for me, how he never told me he decided to go to this trip, and how he is setting our relationship aside. I hate that he's more worried about having his friends at his wedding and not caring about his relationship to make sure I would be at that wedding. It took the threat of breaking up for him to finally give me an official date to move in and that he'd start clearing out his things. I told him not to bother because at this point it's only because I'm forcing him and not because he wants to. I told him I needed a break, but at this point I feel like it's officially over. I don't see him keeping his promises and I don't want a marriage where I have to be angry for him to do anything towards our relationship. It's exhausting. I don't know if I should wait for the date he gave me to see if he kept his word or just move on now.
I love him so much and I really wanted this to work out, but I'm tired of being put on hold not just on this relationship, but in my life. I feel like I wasted the last ten years of my life to someone who wouldn't commit and led me on. I think I should move out on my own and maybe this relationship can continue, but I'm afraid of how long it will be until we can take the next step in our relationship. Or I can end this and move on with my life and just accept the last 10 years were a waste. What should I do?
I'm sorry for the long rant. I don't have people to talk to about this hence why I'm here online asking for advice.