"no please don't, you have so much to live for, think about how the people who care about you would feel. you will get through this and i know you can do it. If you ever need to talk then I'm here."
I've heard that so many times. I'm not saying they don't have good intentions but I don't know, it just feels weird? Saying that to a complete stranger on the internet.
I do want to die.
I have for years but ever since quarantine, I've had more time, more time to just think.
Think things that a 12 year old shouldn't be thinking.
I wish I could write my thoughts here but if I did, it would be an hard-to-read mess of random nonsensical garbage.
I know there's people who have it worse than me, but I still want to kill myself. Stupid right?
I haven't told anyone who knows me because I'm scared of, what, I don't even know. How they'll see me after that? I have the same scenario playing out in my head whenever I try to sleep.
"Oh hey look it's that girl who wants to kill herself."
"Really? Her? What does she have to be sad about? She has good grades, good friends, and a family that cares about her."
"I know right? I know it's supposed to be sad but I can't help but feel like it's stupid."
Then I get out of bed to get a glass of water which I'll never drink. I try but I can't. So in the end I put it back.
I don't fear death but I fear pain and judgment. Stupid.
Dying actually seems pretty nice when you think about it.
You die and then everything's done.
You don't get to eat your favourite foods anymore.
You can't spend time with your loved ones.
You can't do things you enjoy.
But with all those, all the negative emotions go away. Gone to nothingness.
I don't need to worry about what others think about me, what I do, how I do it, why I do it, and where.
I don't need to feel like throwing up that feeling in my stomach that comes every day.
I don't have to be sad.
I don't need to stress.
I can be free.
Some people might say that I'm just running away from my problems and I mean they're not wrong.
But so what if I am? Not everyone is the brave courageous hero that can get through anything if they try hard enough.
I just want to sleep forever, never needing to wake up.
If you're afraid I'm going to kill myself then don't be.
I'm too much of a coward of, like I said before, pain and judgment.
Let's say I do try to kill myself.
What if I miss?
What if there's a "miracle" and turns out I lived.
I don't want to be faced with all the questions after.
"Why'd you do it?"
"Was it my fault?"
"Did you think about how worried we were?"
"Why didn't you tell us how you were feeling?"
"You know you can always talk to us right?"
"Don't do that again."
I wouldn't try to kill myself, but if I was in a situation where I could die, I wouldn't avoid it.
So for anyone who's worried about a stupid 12 girl in Canada who wants to die, don't be.