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Sick of it all..

Hey ! I guess now i'm gonna start jotting my feelings down so that other people can judge me by what and how i feel . I am 15 , almost 16 in 2 months or so but , i can't seem to shake off this feeling of disappointment in myself . I'm not "bad" at studies but even when i feel like i did good on an exam or a test , my parents succeed in convincing me otherwise . I feel like a burden to everyone around me . I feel like things would've been better if i was never born in the first place . But i guess it's never too late to stop existing . I am almost sure no one's gonna cry at my funeral . The pseudo friends i have call me depressed whenever i talk about feeling sad . I've only told 2 people about my cousin trying to touch me weirdly whenever i go to sleep . One of those people told me it wasn't that big a deal cause at least he didn't rape me . Both of these people are actually random people i met on the internet cause i don't have the guts to tell anyone i do know about this . I'm scared of what they'll say . I don't wanna break my family apart . The cousin I'm talking about is my mom's sister's kid so my mom gives him every ounce of her love . I feel like crying every time my siblings say why are you being so distant ? Like I would want to be around a person constantly trying to touch me . I used to have a best friend to talk to , about this shit ( again a random person from the internet ) but i found out he doesn't wanna be friends with me anymore cause i'm not that interesting a person . I feel like a desperate piece of ( uhm..you know ) cause he now talks to me only since i have no one else to talk to . I'm sorry if all of this made you cringe . I know my problems aren't huge and it was stupid of me to write this all in the first place but , i......don't know . Did i forget to mention that i think i have anxiety since i feel suffocated and want to cry every time i go outside or to places where people are ? I did'nt bother to tell my mom all this cause she's working and will probably tell me to shut up and go study .

Thanks for listening to me ranting about my feelings

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Re: Sick of it all..

hugs to u for not feeling even worser. dear.. um... i have no words but some things i feel u need to do with clarity.. like making some situations clear to urself in the least. u can ask ur cousin to stop, on face, I suppose, if u dont want to bring this into anyone elses notice. generally ppl dont dare do things on bold ppl. they fear stuffs too. but if any threats follow surely u will hve to take care of ur saftey by telling atleast ur mother.. in the end everybody will die.. u, ur mother, her sister, sister's son and all, separated or not. the quality life 'u' (not others, cause unless ur happy no ones going to benefit anything ) lived even among the shit is what matters i feel. and that quantity life, u can choose.. whether its fear with large family bonds or short family bonds but safe and sound and trustable.

and ur studies.. its up to u dear.. if u want ur parents to be happy, i think they'll be happy with a good salary too (be it with ur skills or marks). and u getting to hear it again again.. thats sad and im sorry for it.(same situation.. so.. lets face this shit) maybe u can watch a lot of inspirational videos saying the opposite.. because what i get to hear the most stays in our brain and acts subconsciously.. (my experience)

if anything i wrote has given some wrong message or idk what not, im sorry. why did I write.. no idea. all i know is U WANNA MAKE SOMETHING, NOT EVEN LORD NEEDS TO BE PLEASED.. NO LIVING BEING WILL ALWAYS (maybe sometimes) BE PLEASED.. NEITHER MOTHER OR ANY FRIEND..

im living to make money and be on my legs, give comfort to those who helped me till there(even if it were with abuses -- to all my abusive relatives, close ones and all -- cause even they dont know how shitty their behaviour is.. so let it be, its fine)..

and finally living to find things i love, my passion including doing small things which makes me happy (and helping ppl too (shitty or not) -- so selfish right.. helping others for my happiness.. im shitty too lol ), so that i feel i lived something worth it before I die.

and all ppl are grt.. together shitty for their own happiness, living like they feel they should, so they dont die feeling rotten. (me too)

love u dear.. and sorry for writing this filthy content.. but on seeing ur article i just felt i should say something.. u might find this to be a crap, but as said before--just my selfishness..🙏🏽🙏🏽


dear friend

i am the same age as you so i dont know if i am the right person . but there is one thing i have seen and felt,that as much as parents suck , they dont want their kids to be touched inappropriately ,since you seem to have no way out, you should try to give your mum a chance......

i am sure her love for you is more than an ounce even if she doesnt show it.......

Dont shut yourself off. I guarantee there is at least one person in your life that would love to help you, even if its just by listening to you. Find them. They will love you for who you are and who you will be. We all have someone who loves us unconditionally whether we realize it or not. Be brave, take a deep breath. You will get through this.