i wish it didn’t hurt so much to be in this body. i know it’s just chemical soup in my brain that makes it hurt so bad, my emotions are baseless in reality, i’m just sad for no good reason and despite knowing that, despite logic and experience and hours of introspection, i can’t stop feeling like this. i feel weak. small. i wish i weren’t sick, wish i existed the way kids like me were meant to exist. happy and in-control and with adults they trust. but i don’t get that, and i don’t get why i didn’t get that. (i know why. it’s probability. it’s random. there is no reason.)i miss my dad. i wish i had a mom. i want my blood relatives to have been people who loved me the right way, who didn’t hurt me with planning and deliberation and carefully crafted, cutting insults.i’m a human being with intrinsic worth, i deserve that! just as everyone deserves it! people need people to love them! i need people to love me!and i have that. i know i have that. i built this, what i have, these relationships myself, i worked hard for it, but i still feel! so! alone!i’m not alone. i know i’m not alone. but my chemical soup says i am, says the people who love me now will hurt me and it will be my fault that they do, says that i still cant trust them with all of me.i’ve never trusted anyone with all of me. i wrap myself up in deception and self-deception and .ugh.i know the solution.i know i just have to open up. just relax. turn off my constant performance and. be real, with my friends, my found family. they won’t hate me for it. they won’t leave me. they won’t be disgusted and reject me, they won’t use my weakness against me, they won’t hurt me, not on purpose anyway.but i can’t. or i feel like i can’t. because of this awful sickness in my brain, my trauma, my anxiety. if i could just get a new one, please, i still have the receipt for this broken one i got twenty years ago somewhere in my purse—i wish i could be healthy.i wish i could feel safe.i wish i could escape this skin i’m in, like a caterpillar crawling out of its cocoon, splitting the membrane and eating it, destroying what it once was to become a beautiful butterfly or at least something more interesting to look at.this sucks.