5 months ago
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So mama got mad

Mother scolded me today. If you could call it that. She was mad that I didn't do things in my brother's stead, as he was busy eating. I answered that I'll remember it next time.

She got mad that I answered "unemotionally" and started giving me a lecture. I was only half -listening as the contents of this lecture was something I knew by heart: this was why Father was always mad at me, I'm so emotionless, I should learm to adapt to my environment, this was why Father was always mad, yadda yadda yadda.

I answered again, "Yes mother. I'll remember it next time." She then got mad, again, and then repeated the lecture angrily. I answered the same.

She then started hitting me. At first it didn't hurt, but then my anger and frustration and hurt just bubbled up and I began crying.

She then calmed down and said that this was why she started hitting me so that I could show emotion now, that I shouldn't bottle it up all the time, that I had to be strong especially since I was a 'girl'(I am nonbinary, so this rendered her words bullshit) and if I married a guy and he started shouting at me I couldn't just sit meekly there(I am bisexual, and prefer women, so this means her words are still an unending stream of bullshit), and began projecting what I think are insecurities from her and my father's relationship(but I do not know enough yet to really be sure as I only have leftover evidence from their past arguments, but you get the point).

Anyway here is how I feel. First of all, what do you mean emotionless? I would vey much like to express emotion in this household however all of us would end up in the hospital, and secondly, have you seen yourself with my younger brother? He was crying, in the middle of the night, and the first thing you did was threaten to throw him in the bodega for waking everyone up. Uhm, yeah no thanks.

And third of all, if you wanted to show me that I didn't have to bottle up my emotions, why would you start hitting me then? You didn't see how I was really feeling, you just saw my reaction to getting shoved around, fucktard. You could've sat me down, explained that I could trust you, yadda yadda but nOOOOO violence is always the answer.

TLDR; My mom got mad, hit me because I was 'too robotic' and I felt angry, hurt and fruatrated and have some choice fucking words. Gosh, even the TLDR is long.

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5 months ago

Re: So mama got mad

It's great to express your emotions on a platform like this. Gives a sense of relief afterwards because there is nothing that can come back and bite you on your ass.

However, violence is this sense is not valid or in any case. With the lgbtqi+ community, its hard to express any emotion because you're constantly making sure that a person doesn't find out and not knowing what will happen if they do. You can't express yourself in a way that might give them an indication. Find ways that will make you happy. Holding in all that emotion can have its negative sides such as depression over long periods of time. Do you have someone you are able to talk about this with?