I need help i don't know where to turn. I'm ashamed of myself I have always hated myself looked suicide in the face but my children come into my mind and stop me. I'm carrying so much baggage from child abuse to domestic violence. I attract negativity what's the point of my life. My parents split when I was 6 or 7 leaving me and my 3 brothers with dad. This was the start of my negative thinking. I won't bore you with everything but I have depression addicted to dope and recently stopped gambling due to using these for coping with events that have scarred me. I'm 57 for gods sake! I put make up on to hide the real me and work hiding all this guilt and hatred of myself. I thought if I found my mum she might want me and love me. 7 yrs ago I found her she moved nearer to me but it was as though she wanted to ruin my life more by her actions towards me. I can't handle rejection. Although I did not feel love from her I stuck by her as she had no one else being 77 I saw it as my duty to make sure she was OK and looked after during her final years. Horrible nasty things were done by her causing more and more stress on me. Dementia set in so after a long battle with authorities she was able to go into a care home. I had 3rd party access to her state pension and work pension the authorities sorted out costs for care home which meant both state and work pension was to be paid to them leaving her with 30 every week for clothes toiletries etc. Up until March 2020 I was paying her money to them but then stress addictive nature took over and I started using some of her money to help with my financial situation and gambling. I was still paying some money to them. As lockdown caused me to work from home after awhile I realised it was impacting on my mental health I was doubling dosage of anti depressants and p a in killers and my gambling and dope addictions got worse along with the deterioration of mum. The payments towards her care became less and my anxiety is worsening as I know i have to sort this out. I have received a letter from the authorities asking for an explanation as to lack of payment I emailed them asking for a direct debit to be set up from my bank also informed them mum was at end of life stage and to bear with me. I'm not avoiding paying as I know its owed and have made some payments but I'm so scared worried anxious about what they will do to me. As well as this my mother passed away 11/02/2021. She has no capital or funeral plan although she said she did have a plan. I'm trying to get my head round her passing and this financial issue. What do I do I hate myself so much. I just want to be me not this shameful person.