Time Spent- 10m
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Someone listen

I just need somewhere to vent really. I can't talk about stuff with my partner, well, negative stuff. Not just stuff about our relationship, just general stuff that bugs or upsets me in my life. It could be something that happened at work that was annoying or made me angry, or a comment someone made that upset me. I can't tell my partner about that stuff just to get it off my chest. He gets angry, he feels I'm selfish for burdening him with my negative feelings. He said he has seen enough during his time as a police officer that would give me PTSD or make me want to kill myself, I'm selfish for talking about my worries to him. I always told him I'm here to support him and listen to anything he needs but he doesn't like to talk so neither should I. He's only interested in me when I'm happy. It's not like I am a wingey person, I'm quiet and tend to mask my emotions a lot due to my controlled childhood. I don't complain about things often, I guess thats why most of the time I feel happy in my relationship. It's just hard when on the rare occasion I need him for support, I can't have it. It leaves me feeling completely and utterly alone at the times when I need desperately for someone to tell me it will be ok. I wouldn't even think to go to him for those times when I feel like ending it, I imagine he would get so unbelievably angry considering I can't even mention something that happened at work that miffed me. I guess this all worries me more at the moment because I'm pregnant for the first time and we never really planned to be parents. I can't talk about my worries about becoming a mother, things that could go wrong. We also recently moved to a new town where I don't know anyone and I have struggled to find a job because of covid and my pregnancy. All of my family (and his) live on the other side of the world. As long as I have positive emotions our relationship is fine because he doesn't get angry then, but it means I pretend to be happy alot. I'm good at that though, I learned how to mould my personality to what I think pleases other people, I read them pretty well and adapt, thats why I seem to get on well with everyone I meet. I developed that skill as a young child living with a mentaly ill mother who liked to feel as though she had complete control of your mind and actions. I guess when I met him when I was 17 I couldn't pick out the red flags when I compared him to my extreme mother. Or maybe I helped mould him to be this way by being too submissive and amiable? Sometimes I feel I should leave but I have been with him for 15 years now, we emigrated to the other side of the world, had some amazing experiences together and now I'm pregnant. When it's good I feel silly for ever thinking our relationship was toxic. I love him and I'm a coward who's never experienced life on my own. I guess I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.