I've rewritten this about 100 times by now because I feel like everything I say is just not important. I have a perfect family, I have a roof over my head, I have food in my pantry, I have access to education, I have a lot of things I probably don't deserve. But yet I feel so hopeless. If I tell you that I'm depressed I would be lying, I don't have anxiety or any other mental problem or health problem either (at least I don't think I do lol). This year has been pretty rough (for everyone I think.) But I haven't felt this sad in a long time. I have no motivation to do anything! It's not laziness it's just this weird feeling that's holding me back and I don't know how to explain it. The past few weeks I've felt a lot of pressure. I missed a couple of assignments for school during thanksgiving break and now everything pilling up and I'm failing one of my classes. I've always been bad at school which I've learned to except, but the other night I broke down crying at 3 am because I felt so useless, not in a sense that I want to kill myself, but as cheesy as it sounds I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. Whenever I hang out with friends I am happy for the most part but when I start having too much fun my mind starts telling me that they don't actually like me and they're just trying to be nice. I always think everyone hates me, it's just something my mind tends to tell me as soon as I meet someone. Sometimes I ask myself a lot is if I'm feeling like this for attention?????? from who? I have no idea! I have never cried at school, I don't really open up about my emotions to anyone weird ik but I feel like I'm being too needy and asking for attention when I do that, which also changes my mind, and then I'm like, no, I really am sad, and then my mind tells me I'm asking for attention, and it just keeps repeating in an endless loop which is horrifying and makes me feel so anxious but I don't know how to stop it. Everything I just said probably doesn't make sense, because I'm really bad at explaining things but this is only a teaspoon of what I have caved inside of me and that I'm actually willing to say.