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Sorry, Family

Dear family

I think it's overdue and I should first express how grateful I am because all of you have cared for me in spite of how troublesome I have been to everyone. Thank you for helping drive me around, thank you for letting me stay in the house with you, thank you for allowing me to join you all for lunch/ dinner, thank you for allowing me to talk although i may not say nice things to you, thank you for all the dishes you helped me wash, all the clothes you helped me dry and fold, thank you for everything you've helped me with, thank you for being the most amazing mother and sisters anyone could have. Next, i want to apologise for being such a failure. Sorry for not being able to get married and have kids. Sorry for not being able to have a more stable income and job. Sorry for not being able to understand everyone's careers. Sorry for not being able to help so much in the house. Sorry for not being able to cook or clean for you. Sorry for losing my temper quite frequently. Sorry for fighting with that person and causing a commotion. Sorry for not being around. Sorry for taking up space in the house. Sorry for all the bad things or offensive things I've said since we were children. Sorry for being a bad daughter and sister. Sorry for not being able to be useful in the family. Sorry for even existing as a failure. 

I hope that you all can bear with me for a while until i get my placement or a permanent job. If it makes everyone uncomfortable for me to stay in the house later, I'll rent a place nearby and visit frequently after my shifts, but I'll sleep at the house i will rent, so that i can at least keep my things there. I will try to get rid of as much of my things as i can, so that there will be less things to move around. When we all move, j will try my best to get rid of all my things so that you may have space in the new house. And maybe i will stay at another place. I'll start saving up for my retirement and look for a nursing home for myself so that if i fall sick, i will just check in there, and you all will not need to care for me. But if any of you aren't well, i will let go of everything to take care of you, but i know you all won't believe me because you probably think I'm a spoiled and selfish person. I'll try my best to be useful to all of you in the future. It's just that I'm useless at the moment. 

I decided to write this now because at the moment I don't have the courage to kill myself yet. But in case i actually do, or if i die in the nearer future, i hope you all would have read this message, because I've been wanting to say this for a very long time. 

Sorry for being such a burden and wishing all of you the very best. 

hope you'll always be happy with the rest of the family. I'm sorry for not being a dependable daughter. I'm sorry i couldn't be of any help to your company. 

I'm sorry that i lost my temper the other day. And sorry that i stopped talking to you. I know you're stressed with your work and I'm making it worse if i be around. Hope that you get through your masters well and gave a good work- life balance. 

I'm sorry for sleeping in the room with you. I should have just slept in the other room. I'm sorry if i ever made you uncomfortable with my messiness and everything. I hope you'll do well in your job and always be happy. 

I'm sorry if i always made you feel bad. I wish i could take back all the bad things i said to you or in front of you. I'm sorry i couldn't do a lot of things for you. I'm sorry i couldn't be a good sister to you. I hope that you will be able to find a job you love, and earn the amount of money you need. 

I hope all of you end up finding the right man, get happily married with children. 

For now, I'm sorry you have to bear with me being around. I'll stop talking about my work and stress to all of you. I've stopped talking about it to my friends as well. I'm just hoping the stress builds up until one day, I'm brave again to end my life. Before that, I'll get rid of all my baggage. 

Thank you everyone for reading this, 

And again, 

I'm sorry.