There are very few people in this world that will continually bedazzle me such as you do. Blinding me, and causing me to reel in shock. Even though I feel our time has passed, and our rich moments are gone, I feel as if you still linger deeply in my soul. Small words, open smiles, and careftee touches will forever haunt me or so it seems. I know - or at least I hope - that these feelings will come to pass. Soon. But I yearn for that single moment that might pass us by and bring us together again, even for a moment. It would be nice to see your face again. Even now, I still see it as you fade into my consciousness every now and then; your eyes that seem to have a magical quality to them, an intelligence that pulls me in so deeply. I have to look away, lest I lose myself in them. A mysterious yet inviting aura so honest it makes someone wonder how you've existed so passionately like that. Like whatever created you had lovingly put everything wonderful into the core of your being. Writing this feels stupid, words that I know will never reach you. Words I wouldn't usually say, putting on an air of...a poet? Like you, I guess. You enthrall me, for what reason I do not know. When I think of you I see a person that I thought never could exist, a person who was what I could not be. A person I am afraid to be. It makes me and the world feel so much more real. What does that mean? I question if what I feel for you is romantic or just admiration. Maybe both? I know I should just say something to you, I want to be a part of your life. I want to be there for you, to comfort you. I want to see your smile again. But I am so horribly selfish, and a wretched being. And that's me being light on myself! Haha. I think that I should hate myself if I ever hurt you, so it is easier to suffer from far away, never saying a word to keep your image of me to be of my own accord. No one else to blame but myself. It's not healthy, and I have done this before. With others, and you may not be the last. I watch your life progress without me, without your knowledge. Never saying a word. Maybe fate or something has decided that I shouldn't see you again, that I was right and I should be kept away from you as to never bring you any pain. But I am not stupid, I know it is me making the choice to stay away, and blaming fate or circumstance is just a pathetic excuse. I made my bed and now I will sleep in it. A large part of me thinks even if I were to see you again, I would still not try. My fear consumes my actions, rendering me so helpless that I feel a dark unmovable cold fog that entangles me so tightly. I fear I wouldn't be enough for you, I'm not easy to look at, to say the least. I'm so deeply afraid when I think of how we just may not understand each other well enough, that maybe we won't fit. And I know deep down that I am too much of a withered old monster to ever even think of being by your side. I know I am not good enough. I don't even have to try to know that. Maybe I under or overestimate you, that the image I have of you is too much of a pretty painted picture. I know no one is perfect, that everyone on this planet is flawed. But in comparison to you, I feel unworthy. The presence you exude is too much for me to handle. I feel unlovable. Nothing you have done makes me feel that way particularly, maybe it is just my overwhelming lack of self esteem. I may not be the worst person in the world but I sure do feel like it a lot. I feel like I shouldn't even be thinking or writing this down, like it's an unforgivable crime. I'm hoping that it will close a chapter somewhere in my pitiful life, like a few honest words will solve my problems. I want to believe it, that maybe somehow you will hear me. A cry for help. Maybe I'm just a small, insignificant part of your life that thinking of me doesn't come by as maybe I would like to think it would. Isn't it so silly? I want to show this to someone, anybody really. Maybe even you, but I've played this stupid game and I know that that doesn't work. It's me. I'm the problem. I hope that maybe if I show it to someone my fears will be settled, that miraculously I will be given an action that will forever change us. Or maybe some comfort that I'm not crazy or I'm right in some way. It's too late though, I know that. Deep down. Lost. I feel so lost and lonely. Maybe that's why this hurts so much, and why I can't let go. Maybe I hope that I will be able to be the person I want to be with you, and that letting you go is giving up on that part of me. What do I do? What should I do? Where would I even begin? These are all very good questions that I would very much like the answers to, but unfortunately I know what I will do. I will watch, wait, and try to forget. Like the last time.