I often feel extremely alone, even with a crowd full of people, even in a room with loved ones. I feel isolated, a person trapped behind glass. No matter what I do, no matter how much I want to try, I can't fully connect with anyone. I can feel myself slamming against the glass, nails bloody but never moving.
Every day I wake up with a pain in my chest. A heaviness that threatens to smother me every time I breathe. Inside I am eternally screaming, breaking apart and having to stick right back together again.
Night times are the worst, where insomnia waits as a friend to my thoughts. Taunting, teasing, never giving me peace unless I'm finally unconscious.
And no one really knows. No one really understands. I get that people have their own lives, their own worries, their own pain, and I will always be there for them. But why can't they see that I'm drowning?
I've been drowning for eight years now, probably more. I can't remember much before the age of thirteen, but thirteen is when I first became aware of this pain inside me that wouldn't let go. Before that age, looking back, I had been drowning just as much. I just didn't know what to call it.
But every time I feel like I have come up for air, I try and take a breath and my lungs just get filled worse than the last time. Over and over, breaking me apart. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want pain and I guess a part of me wants to die.
The world is a mess. Every day there are hundreds of things to convince me living just isn't worth the time. Yes, there are great things too, but all the bad leave an emptiness inside me that I don't know how to fill without bringing the world down as well. I used to believe in humanity. I was once innocent and trusting, caring for everyone when no one would ever actually care for me.
I know that's not entirely fair. There were people in my life, always, both bad and good. But no one really knows me. Not fully. I wonder if anyone ever will.
I guess that's why I wrote this. Every night this pain keeps me awake, demanding a release, just someone to finally hear it. Because late at night, there is no one but my thoughts. A loneliness that has not been cured, an ache that I'm sacred will never go away... And scared that will go away. Because who am I without the pain?
I speak out into the void. I hope someone will finally listen.