There are so many things i want to tell you right now my brain is in hibernation mode/ survival its basically me keeping my thinking to a minimum because it gets to load if i try to think. its like a sweet melody to be fair coaxing me to end it all. its not degrading as such it states facts like 6 months at a job and your still a screw up? do you really contribute in any way? If you cant do this properly this job where not much is required of you can you really do anything properly? thoughts like these filter through and i feel paralysed ...... no i feel convinced like i said its a sweet melody it doesn't scream go kill yourself it asks me what do you have to offer if not today think 1 year from now or 10 years from now? the saddest thing is i come out with a resounding "NOTHING," if you have nothing good to say don't say anything at all..... if i have nothing good to offer at least don't harm, don't damage .... that's why every time i go wrong it feels suffocating ... its loud bold wrongs wrongs that is so fucking simple only a screw up can go wrong ..... I'm that screw up ........i'm that continous screw up a perpetual stain on this world and i don't what to breathe i want to bleed, blood a symbol of purification in christianity what a beautiful metaphor to bleed to rid the world of this stain. I've been thinking of love alot recently and i feel i don't deserve it to serve as a constant reminder of him settling to always apologise for existing to catastrophise a single mistake till i don't feel worthy anymore ......i don't want to hate me because i will love him and to look at me through his eyes would be to see hate.