eating disorder


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I have an eating disorder, it’s not diagnosed but i mean i starve myself to feel control and mainly because i absolutely despise my body. Losing weight is really on my mind 24/7 i feel like if i’m not skinny i’ll probably end up dying. I hate my body more than absolutely anything. I’ve genuinely considered buying surgical tools and like cutting my fat out of me if that makes sense. I haven’t actually taken the steps to do that but i’ve considered it a lot. My friends and family tell my i’m not fat but every time i look at myself in the mirror i feel like crying. My skinnier friends calling my pretty makes me feel even worse, they’re all naturally skinny so they don’t even have to worry about it and it just makes me feel pathetic. They have to make up compliments like “oh your makeup is so good” “you’re so confident” like that’s supposed to make me feel better. It’s never about my outfits or anything like that, and i’m always the “man repellent” (yes, i’ve actually been called that) when we go out because i’m “intimidating” which i feel is just another way of calling me fat. I’m not huge but i’m not attractive either. This one guy at my school told me “Before i got to know you i thought you were just an ugly, fat, lesbian” and i was absolutely speechless, i remember how absolutely terrible i felt and it motivates me more than anything. I’m praying to god that i can lose a lot of weight this year. I’m really trying and i want it to work so desperately. I’ve been fasting and purging so much recently and i’m just really hoping i can lose this weight.

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