What’s sad. My ex was a sweet bipolar. Her mom a mean bipolar. A sister rude bipolar. The sister moved close to endlessly dump on wife. Come help me. We balanced that. Then her mom moved close. But 45 mins away. That was an every weekend problem we endured. Then her mom moved next door & took over our lives. 35 yr marriage gone. Ex gets so depressed her health fails & she may die. We will see if experimental meds & techniques save her. It saved me once. I had a Transplsnt. Amazed docs. 20 more yrs. then a weird bacterial infection from some cheap motel. Now I may have one yr left. Autistic son lined up for full scholarship to major academic school. Instead he stresses so bad he has seizures & is now trying to learn how to walk again. Daughter freaks. On meds now. No longer wants to be international translator or engineer. Now just wants to forget about college & work in a mall. Oh. She was headed for a full DI scholarship. That’s out. Youngest already being looked at by colleges in 3 sports. High level athlete. Honor student. Gets in so many fights he almost gets arrested. Only my proving he didn’t start it & threatening lawsuits saved him. Now I pay for private school I can not afford. I still went out & bought the ass hole a high end N95 & replacement filters when pandemic hit. Other day I’m balanced 12 feet up fixing a water leak on her daughters house which i bought. Oh. I’m disabled. I have a disease that is killing me. I should not be 12 feet on a damn ladder. It hurts like hell to climb up there. I had to tie myself up there to keep from falling. My legs swelled so bad I had to pull over endlessly to drive back home to another state. I’ve been stuck in s fucking bed unable to walk for days. I have not slept since Monday because of the endless fucking muscle spasms from one of my other medical problems my disease created for me. I endured that shit because my ex & I can’t afford to be divorced. Can’t call a repairman. Duck me. Damn bitch walks by me. I pleasantly great her. She says nothing. Two hours later I’m still up there. She leaves. I pleasantly tell her goodby. She says nothing. Thats how that bitch treated me for 35 fucking yrs. But at the divorce I’m the rude one because I stopped going to her house because she kept yelling at me every day. I was dying. I was on an experimental drug praying for a transplant. I got the transplant. The old me returned. I started fixing everything. Dancing with my wife. Singing to her every morning. Oh yes. Even thought I’d go back to work. Then they pointed out I was delusional. My disease wasn’t gone or reversing itself. It just wasn’t progressing as fast anymore. That ducking sucks. Still a woman stuck in the house. I’m a man dammit. I ducking rode horses & wrestled cows to the ground. I don’t want to cook & clean for ever. But I accepted it. I’m one motivated cripple. In my mind I’m still Thor. In reality I’m a useless joke. But I must live within my illusion that I’m not old & suffering from a horrible disease or I can’t function. They ask how I’m alive. I should have died by 23. Because I’m full of shit. I’m an autistic who won’t accept I’m a disabled autistic. If I ever accept what I am then I’m just a weirdo no one wants. Oh I’m still pretty. I still get asked out. Look like I’m 28. But I’m fighting every day to live. I have more windows to go. Why did she buy a house with 12 foot windows 10 feet off the ground. I have to climb up & tie myself off to redo these damn things because her builder didn’t do the shit right & they are all leaking I still have to replace the floor under a shower after I fix a leak. I have to seal the concrete crawl space where here builder ducked that up due to it starting to flood under there because they fucked up the back yard after she divorced me. I just got done redoing a back yard with a shovel & pick ax. I have no truck or money. So I found dirt people were throwing out. Hauled it in garbage bags in my tiny old car for weeks to fix the yard they messed up. I now have ants in my car. Ants. I had to reseal all the steps. I have created a trench system that’s not obvious. I redid the flower gardens. I waiting on these dang windows because I’m afraid I’m going to pass out & fall to my death. Oh. Did I point out that if I over exert myself I pass out sometimes? So far I passed out behind the bushes & under the house. I lay under the house for hrs. She never came to check on me. In her mind I’m still mighty Thor. Actually she calls me Wolverine. But I’m better looking & more jacked than him. He’s a great actor. I’m just talking appearances. If I survive these damn letters. I’m saving the last two windows for last. It’s insane. I need to be Spider-Man or actually have a magic hammer to get there. Best I can figure. I’m going to scale a 15 foot ladder. Balance off the top rung. Grab a window sill. Pull up. Balance for two hours. Fix the thing. Then try to get down after my muscles have ceased to work. Note. I have to use a long tool I’ve rigged up to reach the top of these dang windows. Who needs windows that tall? Oh they look great. So long as your not the one resealing & painting the dang things. If I had $ for a taller ladder or to rent scaffolding no prob. But I gotta do this shit with what I owned pre divorce. Yet her mom just walks by like i don’t exist. I’m writing this shit because I may be dying this or next weekend. If I pull this shit off I’m like a disabled mentally damaged Hudinni. Well if I fall maybe I can land on those fucking bushes I planted. Hope I miss the mini trees. They are big limbs pointing straight up at me. That’s gotta hurt. I’ll say this. I am not scaling to that fucking roof. That is like a 40 foot fall. I had a house paid off. Why did she & her mom sell it & buy this fucker after my last anerism. I’m not the stud she married. Despite what kids in school thought I am not an actual super hero. I’ll grant you id climbed up the bricks at 20. But not at 60. I’m going thru a lot of shit for a woman who divorced me. If I fall there’s no $ for a funeral. I set it up so the state gets me to save them $. Yay. I’m so pore my body will me mocked by med students. Lucky me. I hope they don’t stuff me for a museum. Hey. He’s good looking. Let’s put him on a display. Is it just me or is that sick. I’m a Christian. I wanted to be buried. Not a lab rat. Well frog I guess. What’s funny. If I survive this stupid ass shit. I won’t even get a thank you most likely. So why do it? Heck I’m dying anyways. I feel something wrong since my last near death. It’s like blood is leaking into my heart over & over. Is that an internal valve breaking down? Very strange. But since I live in a back assed state I don’t have enough medical coverage to go find out. See I make like $800 a month. I must help pay for endless bills out of that. Ive been eating crackers two meals a day for a yr since the divorce. I’m tough. But at some point even the tough break. Society has deemed I’m not worth living. I’m going to pay for the last trip to the hospital till I die. My kids need stuff. I can’t go back to the hospital basically ever again. This is like my last ride. This old cowboy is going to lean into the storm. No matter what this world throws at me I’m going to tell it to fuck itself. I’m going to go out of this world fighting like a mother fucker. Thats all I know. I’ve had to fight the whole world since my parents gave me away for being autistic. I could never count on any body. The one person who I thought loved me divorced me. Yes my kids love me. They have to. I’m sure we’re you allowed to pick parents ahead of time no one would pick me. As my dad told me as a little boy. I’m broken. But I say to the world what I’ve been saying since I was a tiny boy. They set me in a room at school. They explained that i would never talk clearly. I’d never walk correctly. I’d never be able to pass normal classes. Well my mom asked me to kill myself. My dad literally beat me in the head & slammed my head into the floor over & over as I begged no dada no. Then he took me outside & threw me in the bushes. He came back To kill me. But I had crawled away. Fuck you dad you piece of shit. I forgive you but you were not my dad. I remember my mom. Screaming in my face to kill myself after she checked the noose & chair they provided. When that failed she left me in the woods. Well duck you mom. This ducking retard found himself out of the woods didn’t he. Fuck the schools. I later ran fucking touch downs dragging mother duckers down the field. I grew up to do a 360 degree two handed slam. I won track awards. I won academic awards in college & high school. I’ll grant you I still talk like Gene Simmons or something. But I ducking talk. People think I’m from another country or something. My saving grace & greatest misery was my good looks. Got me thru doors. Got me raped. But duck the world. I forgive it. But if your waiting for me to quit well you just don’t know me. Im one tough son of a bitch. Duck it. You know what. I am Thor. I’m going magically shit rainbows out of my ass this & next weekend. I’m going to fix those dang windows. My autistic baby is in that house. He cried. He said dada you said you’d never leave me. You promised. You promised dada. I had no choice. He has to live with his mom. So I’ll let them all think I’m the bad guy. When I die she & her family are all they will have. I am a knight of God. That’s not imaginary. I’m descended from knights. I do serve God. I have fought evil people to save some of Gods children. I will fall holding my sword for my children. I’ll also say if anyone ever hurts my babies while I draw breath they answer to me. Anybody. I warned my ex. Marry if you wish. But be sure he knows if he hits you or my kids I will rain so much pain on him he will never walk right again. That I swear to God above. I will beat his ass like a dog. He’d better be a man of high character. Or wait till I’m dead. I really need to sleep. I’m in that weird state where you are asleep while awake I think. Yet my roommates are still blaring rap music. I realize that shit came out before y’all were born. But come on. That shit ain’t music. Play an instrument. Hold a tune. I sing & play better than that shit. And I suck.