Hey so here’s where I am in life right now . I know it’s gonna make me cry just thinking and typing this but I’m doing it anyway because why not realize how fucked up you are in life. I’m 15 and I’m almost 7 months pregnant . I have bipolar depression , severe anxiety disorder and, somewhat a drug abuse problem. I ran away 3 months ago and left to live with my boyfriend/ somewhat baby daddy. I have been raped physically abused and used in relationships in every way imaginable by both genders in the past. I have been mentally and physically abused by my biological mother. And abandoned by my father at one point. I overthink every single move I make and every word I say. Which doesn’t have any good outcome either I don’t act on anything because I’m thinking to much or whenever I don’t think and go with my gut I can’t seem to do anything right. Sometimes I overthink so much to the point where I can’t breathe. And I’m sad really sad no matter when you think I’m happy I’m always sad regardless of how my face looks in the back of my head i want to die. It’s been many times I’ve tried to commit suicide and in the end it doesn’t work I feel horrible but never make it home. I’m scared. I’m scared because I have a human growing inside me that I have to take care of and devote myself to. When I’m reality I can’t take care of myself and and have no desire to devote myself to anything. I have a boyfriend but I’m scared to open up to him because I don’t want to hurt his feelings I’m in love with him and I know he wants to help me and he thinks he is but in reality I wanna die more than ever before I just found a better way to mask it. Everyday while he’s at work I sit and cry all day. So many times I’ve cut and bruised myself and covered it up with makeup. It’s not nothing he’s doing it’s just he can’t help me no one can. It’s a sadness that can’t be cured. And I miss my baby’s I miss Omari and Oliver (I had triplets and 2 passed away) sooooo muchhh I never met them technically but I could feel them and that’s the feeling I want more than anything in this world again. To be honest I’m just tired I just want everything to end I just want to feel nothing float in space without a care in the world. And if I’m dead I can’t feel. I hurt so bad inside that I lose all feeling of my body sometimes or I’ll just cry in the shower. Or just in the middle of the night I’ll wake up think about my life and just cry myself back to sleep but my boyfriend doesn’t know this he will never know. I want to tell him of course but I can’t talk to him anymore not like I used to because anything I say or do is wrong or offends him. Tbh I miss being on FaceTime just pouring my heart out to the love of my life . I mean he’s still the love of my life he’s the reason I’m still here ...he’s my everything. It’s just not the same ig . But it’s okay I’m gonna do what I do best and just hide how I feel to avoid drama or anything. I just wanna be okay.... but I’m not okay.